Sunday, July 31, 2005

Willy Wonka Was Here

The riverbed I walk splits where I go into it. One portion is the watershed for the Catalina mountains and stretches east and north, while the other part heads east and a little south, and must be drainage for local streets.

There are very few storm sewers in Tucson, which means that when it chubascoes (??), we often have many untraversable streets. There's even a law that has been nicknamed the "Stupid Motorist Law" that makes citizens pay for their rescue if they drive into a blockaded street washout and get stuck. Every year there's a few who do. Many of the downtown underpasses have graphs on the side, saying in big bold print, "FEET OF WATER." It's an anomaly that most visitors comment on, but the truth is, they're very handy this time of year!

The northeastern part of the riverbed is where I find the potsherds, and where most people go to walk their dogs. The southeastern one is more secluded, wild, not as wide. Today it was Willy Wonka's chocolate river, bucking and rolling and frothing and so forth. It was Angus' first exposure to the river and he did great. Leery at first, but soon plunging in and leaping around and doing the puppy rush, zooming careening circles around me. It made me laugh to see him turning into a WaterDog. I was standing at the point where those 2 parts meet, watching the water churn away, watching the old dog and young dog enjoying the scene.

Sun Bear is an old pro at the water game. When we lived in the boonies, the San Pedro river ran more often than the Rillito ("my" river) and she loved nothing more than to go swimming in the summer heat. But she is old enough to be sedate about her ecstacy, savoring a stroll through the shallows vs. playing dolphin.

How nice to see water running around on the ground, get muddy, and indoctrinate the puppy all at once!

ciao for now....

Saturday, July 30, 2005

prayful morning

It is indeed a prayful morning.

Cloud cover, beautiful washed air from yesterday's storm. I felt drawn to walk up that special hill where I have found so many things, potsherds and the sure knowledge of my life with them, someday long ago.

I faced northeastern sky and mountains, and gave thanks for drawing breath. The gratitude of bringing past and future together, in the single moment that is always Now.

Walking back down the hill into the riverbed I found a small owl's feather, half buried in the sand. I stood for a long patient time, winnowing out the burrs, smoothing the silken downy threads, immersed in a small task of love making whole.

Love, making whole.

Lovemaking, whole.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Chubasco strip

No, it's not a new cut of meat, or condiment. Nor a poker-and-tequila game, for that matter--but if it were, Cootera could make up the rules. It's the cartoon I got my last post from. I said it was an article, but I bent the truth a bit. Hey, at least it was actually in the Sunday paper.

I have no idea how to make it an automatic link, so guess you will have to cut and paste if you want to read it. Sorry!

I'm feeling so good these days. Recently began swimming 4-5 days a week, and I can feel the gradual increase in heart-lung efficiency; the return of ease and reach in my stroke; the cadence of slap slap slap breathe, slap slap slap breathe. I swam in college, but never competitively. (Built for comfort, not for speed. Ahem.)

Plus the morning walks are longer, more enjoyable. Today we saw 3 coyotes again. (Were they the same 3 that attacked Angus? We don't know, we didn't go ask.) The hawks joined us on the portion of the walk that traverses their habitat. The sky was cloaked in upside-down pillow-top clouds (pillow-bottom clouds?) this morning, quilted across the horizon. Very nice to have some cloud cover.

Slipping into August already. Where does the time go?

Tuesday, July 26, 2005


I slept in this morning, due to a heinously long--but nevertheless delightful--phone conversation last night. Angus sounded the alarm at 5:30 a.m. sharp (his bark is piercing, even through doors), so I let both the dogs in and fell back into bed. He just couldn't believe I wasn't getting up, but I'd had exactly 2 1/2 hours of sleep at that point, and even his enthusiasm for the day couldn't persuade me to rouse.

When I finally got up at 9:30 there were 5 dogs toys on my bed; his tether ball, a couple of squeakies, a sock with knot tied in it (his first toy, awwww...), and even a bud from a barrel cactus. I hadn't known he'd appropriated them as toys, but he's so creative that way.

Seems to be the return of the swelter, as a storm walked all the way to my door yesterday and then once again declined to delivered the goods. My Weatherbug was flipping out, flashing *Weather Alert* messages every 2 minutes about dime-sized hail, 60-mph wind gusts, threats (promises?) of torrential rain in a short period, flash flooding, etc.

So it's a sunny day (darn), we've missed our riverwalk, and it's time to go swimming. Thank goodness for city pools, where a workout doesn't bring me to the edge of heatstroke.

ciao for now!

Monday, July 25, 2005

bonny day

I'm loving the return of the morning coolth. The dogs and I have been walking for an hour these last couple of days. Part of the riverbank has burned, further east than we've been for awhile. It must have been a lightning strike, as the burnout pattern suggests that there was moisture present. It's a little bit eerie to walk through blackened brush and yellow-brown trees, but on the other hand one can see a lot further. And since the coyote attack, I've wanted to keep the dogs within eyeball distance.

There's also a pair of some type of hawk--Harris, maybe?--that has accompanied us the 2 times we've been there. Yesterday they followed us and I thought I was imagining it. Today it happened again so I know it's deliberate. They stay a little behind, and then fly a little ahead. For some reason it pleases me quite a lot! I speak to them, of course. My son would roll his eyes, but smile too.

Flies seem to have territory as well. When I enter a fly's zone, he (she?)'ll buzz all around my head, then hitch a ride on the back of my shoulder until I turn my head and gently blow it away. The cycle repeats until I've left his (her?) patch of space.

(There was a brief mention in the newspaper yesterday about terminology for this season. It said, in brief, that Monsoons are what you get in Asia. Our rainy season is actually called the Chubasco, which I like a lot. So that's what I'll be calling it from now on.)

During the chubasco season it's very normal for the riverbed to have some flow. It hasn't happened yet, but the ambient moisture has increased dramatically. The edges were still sharp on the crescent-shaped divots picked out of the path by a horse that went walking earlier than I did. And I don't know if it's because of the fire, but the whole landscape there was almost silent. It was far enough from the road that the traffic sounds weren't audible. I love to walk without sound, my whole body listening....

....for what, I don't know, but I don't need to....

Sunday, July 24, 2005

spoon meat

Oooooooh spoon meat!

The semi-gelatinous, delicately chewy white lining of the immature coconut.

There's a hammer and a long nail by the kitchen sink.
A glass of cloudy liquid at my side.

Shreds of husk line the sink and cover the countertop.

I'll clean up in a moment, but for now.....

Spoooon meeeeeat,
soooooo sweeeeet,

on a tropically overcast day.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Magz A Maze

She is truly an amazing woman.

Within 15 minutes of arriving Tuesday night I had downed a beer, donned a dress (a fetching apple-green sleeveless number), and was ready for adventure desert-small-town-style. I'd only brought worky-type clothes, and Magz is always more than willing to share her wardrobe with me. We are upside-down equals, meaning that what fits my hips fits her bust, and vice versa--so this dress, which was too tight upstairs and too big downstairs for da Magz, was a good fit on da Taz.

Our first stop, by virtue of necessity, was the feed store, ostensibly closed for business (but not to us of course!). After a 2-bale alfalfa transaction, we all 'set a spell' on the front loading dock with some cold beers and conversation. Magz and I share a deep friendly affection for the feed store man. He's one of those good guys, and easy to feel comfortable with in talk or silence, whichever happens.

What we all decided was to meet up later at one of Magz' desert hideaway spots for a continuation of the beers and conversation, with the addition of a guitar and possibly some target practice. The plan to dine out was quickly revamped and we were off to Jack (I.T. Box)'s place for a quick food fix, then back to Magz' to throw hay and change and head desert-ward.

Well, the moon was about full and the desert silence filled my head with a reverberation that I had been missing for a long time. There is something about vast expanses of silence and open sky that somehow empty one's head of the nattering chatter of "civilization" and allow the more timeless pace of eternity to gain a toehold. We sat, and sipped, and Magz played and sang, and then our buddy showed up and I played and sang, and the dogs wandered quietly, following their noses. (We never did get to shooting, which was fine by me, but I could have enjoyed it as well.)

It was wonderful medicine and I appreciated the space more than you could know.

It's been ages since I picked up a guitar (and maybe even longer since I've worn a dress!) but the night and the company made it all work out just fine. My fingers are still sore--darn those medium-gauge strings! I guess I need the right setting for that kind of expression, and for whatever reason, I haven't found that setting in Tucson. But under Magz' generous auspices all kinds of things can bloom.

We were out until midnight-thirty, back at her place by 1:00, which is way past my bedtime. The next morning the couch didn't free me until well after 8:00, and then it was coffee and computer time, and then Norm the roof helper came over and we all spent an hour or three solving all the dilemmas of the universe, and then Magz thought of a movie that we needed to watch, so plans for work fizzled and died. This seems to happen every time I go out to "help" Magz--I end up having a mini-vacation!

And, I always come away with more than I arrive with. Books, movies, clothes, ideas--plus she showed me how to use Blogroller (check out my sidebar!!). And we talk, and laugh, and drink, and reminisce our pasts, and plan our possible futures--the kind of sharing I don't do with very many people.

....thanks sis....

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The dogs take off!

From the tone of my last posts I hope you are understanding that the monsoon season here can be quite fickle. Seems as though several days are spent gathering the proper conditions, so we have many days of giant cloud build-up, wind, sheet lightning, vague thunder, etc., which don't coalesce into "actual rain" for some time. (This summer I'm calling it the monlate season....hahahaha....)

Last week on Wednesday I was headed to work for the evening shift of 4-8 p.m. It was overcast and ominous looking, but I knew it was one of those dry runs, so figured I'd leave the dogs out. My older dog, Sun Bear, was taught to be afraid of storm conditions by another dog we lived with for awhile, and she's gotten a little more weird about it every year since. She did not want to stay outside, but I forced the issue (never again!!). I bungeed the chainlink gate shut as the wind sometimes blows it open, and headed off.

After work I stopped by the grocery store, so it was 9 by the time I returned. Right away I noticed that the gate was still bungeed, but the latch was no longer around the bar, and there were no dogs in the yard. No dogs in the house. Alarm rising in my gut, I checked messages and yes, there was one from a woman who had the dogs, and who had found them about a mile from my house, wandering the streets. In traffic. Apparently it had started thundering about 20 minutes after I left the house, and Sun Bear had bolted, with Angus in tow.

Now Sun Bear wears her county tags but no other I.D. And Angus hadn't had his rabies shot yet--he got one yesterday, after the coyote attack--so he had nothing but a little nylon collar on. I can't tell you how scared and then how relieved I was that they had stayed together, stayed safe, and gotten lucky with a kind person who took them home with her!

Needless to say, I called her while driving to her house, but there was no answer. And the dogs were inside instead of in a yard where I could retrieve them. I rang her bell, and her 2 dogs ran to the door barking, and through the picture window I could see my 2 joining in the cacophony (that was for you, Lighty!!), along with a nicely shredded roll of paper towels--courtesy of Angus, I suppose. I had no choice but to leave them there while I returned home to put the groceries away, but I called and left many messages instructing her to call me, whenever she got home, to come pick them up.

I spent an hour or so knowing they were safe but missing them nevertheless, and when I got the call to come get them I was incredibly relieved. We had a long talk on the way home, the upshot of which was that I will never make Sun Bear stay outside if she's feeling nervous! I guess I learned my lesson!

The next day I went to PetSmart and now they both are sporting fine-looking ID tags with their names and my phone number engraved on them. Whew.

Meanwhile we had a Real Rain Storm last night--not a gully-washer, but a nice medium force thunderstorm. The riverbed is still dry, but I've switched from running shoes to Tevas in hopes of going wading sometime soon. And the vet discovered a couple of puncture wounds on Angus' neck, so I'm syringing them with H2O2 and he's on amoxicillin for 10 days. Lucky little guy!

I'm off to Ms. Magz this afternoon for fun and hard work, in the proper ratio of course. Wish me luck!

ciao for now....

Monday, July 18, 2005

"blue balls"

Do y'all know what that means? Like getting sooooooooooooooo close to "getting it" and then you don't? Teased to the point of pain? Raise your hand if you've been there! (Gotcha!)

That was our "storm" last night, the one that dumped 2 inches of rain at Maggie's Farm and nary a drop in my yard, a mere 50 miles away. Well, OK, like maybe 75 drops. It was big wind, and big dark, and even some lightning and faraway thunder, but never, never, never paid off. Grrrrrrrrrr.....but at least it's a bit cooler. There has to be an up-side, right?

This morning on our riverwalk, I was chatting with a friend in West Virginia when I heard an ungodly noise of something being attacked. "Something" turned out to be Angus, fighting off 3 coyotes--successfully I might add! I got to the scene in time to see them loping off up the embankment, with a few other hikers calling out to see if he was all right. They'd watched the whole thing.

We're going to the vet anyway for some shots for him this morning, so I'll get him checked out, but I didn't see any blood. He did poop himself, but I would've too. We got home and I gave him a bath, and he's sacked out at the foot of my chair right now. I think he's on life #5; how many do dogs get?

Next post: the dogs go AWOL!

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Oooh, oooooh, aaaaaaaah....

big wind kicking the pants outta anything not tied down

cloudy cloudy horizon on 3 of 4 compass points

dogs nervously pacing the livingroom, Sun Bear sticking to my side like glue, Angus wondering 'what the hey is up?'

i hope i hope i hope it's the real thing this time, not some tease

gotta tell you about the dogs' 'night out' recently, but later....

when it hits it's gonna hit big

ooooh, ooooooh, AHHHHHHHHH!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

the vacation fairy....

....has pointed her magic travelling wand at me and kazaaaam! Just like that I'm going to Harbin Hot Springs in August.

It had to be magic. A friend who has just moved there called the other night and waxed eloquent about how far out it all is, how I should move there and teach in the massage school, and by the way, Taza, there's a full-time opening in the health food store in the deli, right now! Well, says I, I'm not moving there this week, but I'll put it on the back burner and we'll see. "We'll see" is, as every parent knows, code for "Probably not, but I don't want to say 'No'."

Two days later, another friend called to say how disappointed she was that the trip she had planned to Harbin Hot Springs in August had to be cancelled as her travelling companion couldn't afford to go. He had told her 2 days prior and she was having a hard time letting go of it as she really, really wanted to go.

Et Voy Lee, just like that, the fairy saw her opportunity and whacked me a good one. Well, says I, I was just talking to Mindy about Harbin and she's there and I know she'd love to see some Tucson friends. Maybe I could go with you instead.

Ya think? says Nikki.

Well, why not? says I.

So that's how it happened. Mindy's going to try to score some passes for us, and in a month she will most likely have some sort of housing trip arranged, and if not then camping is perfectly fine with me. Gas will be about a hundred bucks each. Camping will be free or at least pretty cheap.

California, here I come!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Nuttin honey....

....nuttin much going on 'round here, that is. Weather report: 98 degrees last night at 10:45, 90 degrees this morning at 6:45. Guess that means we might have gotten all the way down to the mid-80's overnight. Brrrrrrrrrr!

We may get some rain here in the next couple of days, but I have to say that the concept of "water falling out of the sky" seems extremely foreign to me at this point.

Loved the commentaries on my last post from Cooter and Inger. And I'm starting to understand more about Magz' idee of having a giant barbecue party and inviting bloggers far and wide to partake. We'd need to have it at her place to cover my inherent shyness and lack of forceful personality, and also 'cuz she is the barbeque QUEEN of Southern Arizona--plus, she's got those kewl new tootsie-dabblin' pools just waiting to cool your heels!

I wish I wish I wish. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, and great sex for all who want it.

Yeah, it's early and I haven't had enough coffee yet.

Monday, July 11, 2005


A few more words about my mood yesterday. Cooter, you're right on. Being uninformed/informed doesn't change the facts of our country's involvement in Iraq. The fear I was feeling was not for my own personal safety, but more despair about the likelihood of continued retaliation that the London bombings will no doubt justify.

I just don't want to be paralyzed into inaction or apathy by fear, and believe that the Patriot Act and other erosions of our personal privacies and freedoms are shackles that 'we' (I speak generally here) willingly assume as a result of feeling this amorphous sense of insecurity. The vibrations of fear foster distrust, alienation, and defensiveness. I rue the mindset that allows our President to talk about "compassion" and "hope" while at the same time sending more troops to die, killing more innocent civilians, and believing in the invulnerability of 'the American way' in cultures that oppose our belief system and values.

And I don't have answers either; just know that for myself, being in a state of anxiety means that I can be more easily thrown off of the philosophy of kindness, compassion and loving action vs. suspicion and aggression.

Sunday, July 10, 2005


So, the self-confessed media abstainer "just happened" to turn on NPR a couple of hours after the London bombings. I've felt shakey ever since. Luckily my son, who was planning a trip to London last Friday, called his plans off before this happened. Small miracles....

He returned safely, albeit bug-chewed, from Costa Rica on July 1st, with lots of stories and the traveller's trots....was treated in the ER the next morning with IV fluids and antibiotics (hmmmm, just like Angus!). The next day he was off to NYC to visit a friend for the 4th, and he's still there, having a great time, appreciating the architecture, trying out his dynamic good looks and intrinsic charm on the natives. (Ha!) Next he's off to DC to visit my bro, and then he'll be heading to Atlanta for Dad-family visits.

I know atrocities of all sorts happen all over the world, every day; lots of them. I also know that staying away from the news prevents me from feeling helpless about them. What I have found out yet again is that tuning into the news drastically affects my ability to stay out of the fear realm. Feeling fearful not only makes me more likely to focus on the negativity in the world today, but also less likely to breathe deeply, more likely to be depressed, and less likely to believe that anything I do makes any difference at all.

So today in yoga I requested the teacher to focus on chest-opening poses for 'lifting the heart', and silently leaked salty tears through much of class. Little rivulets of confusion, frustration, release, and finally of peace as she calmly spoke through shivasana about change being the nature of life, and non-attachment being the way through the changes.

Being born, period, is the ultimate cause of dying.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Possibility Network-ing

I don't know how many of you saw the movie, What the Bleep Do We Know? but I saw it several times and then bought a copy when it came out on dvd.
A couple of focus/study groups formed in Tucson and the following comes from one of the group leaders.
I attended one meeting of this group but it conflicted with my work schedule so I was unable to continue going to the weekly meetings, but I think this is a worthwhile project so am broadcasting it to my wide, wide readership (vbg)!


----- Original Message -----
From: Jack McDaniel
Sent: Wednesday, July 06, 2005 3:12 PM


Collective Conscious Intention Project

The following is both an invitation to an experiment and an announcement of a very real event quietly taking place among the population of Earth. That event is the convergence of long time mystical understanding of the connectedness of all things and the new scientific frontier that is examining the truths of that claim.

According to the largely accepted evidence of contemporary research into human brain function, the most advanced of our kind are using little more than 10% of that organ's potential. That would indicate that within the remaining 90%, lay dormant, unknown skills and understandings that are essentially unrecognizable to the standard expectations of our habitual world view.

IS it really a matter of organic brain activity or is that neglected percentage the doorway to something infinitely larger?

We stand on the brink of an evolutionary leap. There is a patient, gentle urging to expand our consciousness growing louder and it may be that the power and mastery of conscious intention is absolutely key to our success in slipping beyond the boundary of 10%.

WHAT ARE THE WORKING PRINCIPLES AND ULITIMATE NATURE OF REALITY? This question, truly and openly asked; meaning without attachment to the conclusions of past experiences, dogmas, or yes, even the evidence of five senses functioning in three dimensions; could be how human discord and disharmony with nature is reversed.

Such a question begins with individual realization and acceptance of responsibility, in the present, for the results of a belief system that dictates that competition, conflict and lack are inevitable conditions. If those conclusions are not, indeed, unshakable truth, what then IS possible?

A new paradigm is called for and its first tenet is CONNECTION. Even if that only penetrates to the level of knowing we all draw breath from the same closed system of one atmosphere. Without active and wide spread investigation into new relationships with ourselves and our reality, we condemn our future to repeating the contradiction that although all human beings share one uniting motivation, the desire for HAPPINESS, there is little, or no, united cooperation for its universal fulfillment.

And so, we invite you to participate in an experiment of the conscious collective power of intention. From its very first word this document is that experiment. How does intention communicate, blend, bond and create? What does the following intention mean? What will it affect directly, indirectly or within seemingly unrelated conditions? What this intention defines is posed in, dare we say, very broad specifics, which might therefore appear vague. Ah, but allow yourself to ponder outside the words, the whole idea beyond the sum of its parts and so discover and make known to the cosmos of infinite possibility your own personal vision of what it means to you

So what we ask is this. If you agree with the following declaration of intent, please forward this email to as many people as you wish or can. Then print out the declaration twice and sign both copies. On one copy print your mailing and email addresses, plus any comments, personal declarations, imagery or anything you wish to add and post that copy to---

The Possibility Network
11600 N. Vista Del Sol
Tucson, AZ
85742 USA

Take the other copy and tack it up in a prominent spot in your home or work (you know, like the fridge) and whenever you are so inspired, reread it, preferably out loud, and re-empower all the force of intention you can muster within you to visualize its creation complete, and in doing this realize you may be performing a higher service to humanity than any amount of donation would ever add up to. The tangible results of this effort (your letters of intent) will be used for the purpose of demonstrating a public demand on grant proposals and to other funding sources as well as drawing media awareness to the dimensions of a population calling out for new solutions to problems the old solutions merely perpetuate. The intangible results may be 90% more powerful than we can imagine.

I AM the power of intention to create an international institution and common access resource center dedicated to funding, networking, linking and publicizing the work of new and existing programs, organizations, foundations and individuals that explore, practice and teach the principles of understanding and expanding consciousness, as well as encourage and assist inspired thinkers with the formation of new groups and research projects whose purpose is the same, all for the benefit of directing humankind to the universal revelation of unity and connection with a singular source and hence, the transformation to a world whose priority is quality of life and happiness for all its inhabitants.


(In the email, this was centered nicely on the page, but I can't make it work in my preview. You can reformat it before you print it out, if so desired....)

I'm sending mine in tomorrow. You?

Wednesday, July 06, 2005


I'm actually feeling quite good today. I started taking my vitamins again and darn if they don't work--when I take them! Seems as soon as I'm feeling energetic again I stop! Oh well, consistency has never been my strong suit....

The heat continues unabated, and aside from the morning walk (now at 5:30 instead of 6:00--the sky is plenty light before the sun comes barrelling up for yet another "sunny day"....) I am closeted indoors. The dogs and I are draped all over the furniture in various stages of drowse. We get up and change positions once in awhile, and generally I'm on the furniture whereas they are beside it, but you get the idea: nobody's workin' hard around here.

I'm really liking the new template, but am abandoning HaloScan for the time being. I tried 3 times yesterday to insert the code in the correct places, to no avail. It's just pointless to keep trying and get frustrated when there's a reasonably good comment section included. I'm not a HTML whiz by any stretch of the imagination (it would be like calling myself an electrician b/c I can flip a switch and the light comes on....) so I think it's best to keep it as basic as possible. That, I can manage!

pant, pant, pant....

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

torpid stupor

I couldn't resist, those 2 words belong together. Plus, they describe my state to a "T" for the last couple of days. Unbelievably hot, swamp cooler bringing the indoor temp all the way down to !82! (I am NOT kidding)--so the intelligent person either goes to the mall, or takes a nap. I'm more inclined towards the latter as I don't like leaving the dogs out more than I have to.

I'm reading a lot of good "junk food" novels (Janet Evanovich, Robert Parker--thanks, Magz!) and just....slip......away.........for 20 minutes or so, sleep lightly, waken in the same position I was in pre-snooze, and continue with the book. Ahhhh. Siestas rule!

So, about last night....the party, the singing, etc. It was fun! I sang on 4 songs: Wild Horses, Feelin' All Right, Dead Flowers, and You Can't Always Get What You Want. Remember them? (In typing those titles I'm suddenly aware that 3/4 of them are Stones tunes. Hmmmm. The other band I sang in did 2 of the above, but a lot more Grateful Dead.) And it was a party, so very low-key, no pressure, friends in attendance, etc.

The performance is always different from the practice, so there were glitches of course, but nothing too serious. Like, the bass player didn't show....ooops! But it didn't really matter as the guitar player has a synth loop that he can make sound like just about anything--including sitar--so the bottom end was covered enough. Actually the bass player didn't show for practice either, so we'd done everything without him already.

Hope all y'all are enjoying the summer nights, ciao for now!


I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere, and shamelessly, without any reservations, lay on my naked body...

You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...

Fucking mosquito!

Monday, July 04, 2005

hidey ho

New template, I like it, I lost all my links to other peoples' blogs, it's hot, it's the 4th of July, I'm singing with a band this evening for the first time in ages, I practiced with them last night, it felt great to sing into a mic again, I'm outta here, wish me luck!


Saturday, July 02, 2005

yeah ok!

I'm back from my short absence, and I guess I should just change the template on this sucker and all my wordwrapping problems will go away....this template is no longer available from Blogger, so any problems with it are beyond my ken for sure, and even Gemmak said she couldn't figure it out at first glance. So if I do change the template, will I lose all my comments from this one?

I swear, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing!

Spent the afternoon at MaggiezFarm yesterday in the swelter of the first day in July. The place is looking great--and I keep wondering if it would be "just perfect" for me to assume ownership, if and when the woman decides to pull stakes. I hate the thought of commuting an hour to Tucson for work though....I've lived in 2 places simultaneously before, and I hate it. Always feels like no matter which one I'm in, I'm thinking forward or backward to the other one.

The year before my dad died and I moved back to Tucson full-time, I was staying out in the boonies during the week and commuting to Tucson on the weekends for band gigs and massage work. It got to where I had a permanent crease between my eyes from trying to figure out what I needed to get from wherever I was, to bring to where I was going. That stretch of I-10 got very familiar, and while I tried to use the drive time as my downtime, I prefer not to meditate while operating a motor vehicle. Strange, I know....

Of course, I was also participating in a relationship that was in it's death throes, except neither of us was admitting it, and that kind of thing tends to wear on you over time. It took my father's death to bring us to our senses and get the hell out of our stalemate--so in the period of 2 weeks I lost my dad, my shitty relationship, and my home sweet home in the middle of nowhere. Traded it for a spare bedroom-cum-office in a good friend's house in Tucson, more face time with my son, and full-time massage work.

I quit the band, and started going for long dawn walks in the Rillito with my dog, and finding potsherds, and being very quiet inside instead of frantic most of the time. My spark was only available for those on my massage table; otherwise I stayed home, and stayed home, and stayed home some more. I cultivated the title of "urban hermit" and made it my own. It took a long time to grieve the total package and at times I still feel incomplete with it, but for fuck's sake, it's been over 2 years now!

So, motivation. Yes, it's time to begin again with new direction, or at least to clarify the direction I'm already headed in, and get back on the proverbial horse of my destiny. I know bodywork is where I want to be, but am not sure that teaching it is. If I don't teach, I have to get a whole lot more private clients to make up for the deficit in my paycheck. Which means getting focused to 'intend my success' in this field instead of just making do, which has been more than fine for the past couple of years, but won't be enough to break that new ground.

Lying fallow is an occasional necessity whether you're a corn field or a human bean. Sometimes it's hard to get back into production, but with intention and motivation and some sweat of one's brow, it's a sure thing. And movement = change, and change = growth, and growth = movement again.

Yahoo, y'all!