baby-itis!

oooh, she's a baby! a tiny little fist-waving bundle of cooing and farts. ;)
it's going well and so far, so good.

yikes!

seems i will have total immersion into the sweetie's family....not only did his daughter and granddaughter move in today, his son is coming on the 7th and asked if he can sleep on the couch! of course, his visit will not be permanent--neither is the daughter's, as the RV becomes intolerably hot in about mid-May--but i am feeling some overwhelmation....

in a day or so this is going to be funny, and i will be able to take it with a laugh and a shrug, but at the moment everything is igniting the long-buried horrible feelings of alienation and abandonment that i experienced when my father married my stepmother. i began retreating immediately, and acting out--and feel the same pulling tension right now. the need to escape, strike out, run away--which is one of those coping mechanisms born of a need to survive pain, but now feels a lot like an inappropriate, adolescent reaction.

soooooooo it's going to be interesting....as i texted sweetie this morning, 'every good deep connection pushes those good deep wounds'. we never know until we are pushed, do we? just how far we've come, how much we've learned, and how much we can choose a different response?

:/

the feeling is free

freedom in my home.
we are in between guests and i am savoring the solitude.
when sweetie's daughter & her new baby move into the RV i hope that it will be a good connection for all of us.
i had my teeth cleaned today and i need some drugs!

feeling different

today is my son's 28th birthday. stroke of luck, i had the day off. spent it at home with the never-ending laundry pile, and made some feeble attempts to put some of the dirt in the house back outside. :) J. was working, so it was nice to be Home Alone and putter around. i like to start a project in every room of the house (plus outside for laundry) and then cycle around all of them for a few minutes at a time. for a little while, it's totally chaotic, but gradually all of them come around to completion.

i always feel the psychic pull of the amazing events that transpired 28 years ago on this anniversary. having only one child will do that, i reckon.


so, i am feeling lighter and less congested overall and i've just made some small changes so far. thinking about what i am putting in my mouth. i'm an unconscious eater that has little rapport with the feeling of actual hunger; if the food is there and looks good, i'll eat it, "hungry" or not. this has backfired *tremdously* (significant word choice....) in the past few months with J. baking such wonderful things. he loves to make french toast, pancakes, waffles, cinnamon rolls, pizza....and my ability to say NO has evaporated, so i must make elaborate plans to help myself resist. he eats a lot of dough and dairy. seems to work for him but not for me.

enough about diet....oh but the final word is that J. has made a lemon poppyseed cake from scratch for the Birthday Boy. cream cheese frosting to moan over. and of course i am going to have some!


p.s. J's daughter and granddaughter are....moving in to the motor home! wheeee! more on that later.

oooh it's getting down to the wire....

....this 3rd week i am going to be scaling down the grain intake. i also need to give the smoking habit a rest! i misplaced my tobacco last night and was humbled to note the unease that it caused me. i may *only* smoke 2 or 3 small cigarettes a day, but i sure didn't like not having access! a sure sign that it's time to give it up.

so--no meat, no dairy, cutting out the grains....i still have my coffee though, and sweets are in abundance s/p Valentine's Day (yum, dark chocolate caramels topped with a few coarse grains of sea salt!) and i am not exactly ready to cut them out.

next week i will be eating primarily veggies, fruit and legumes. and the week after that i will start my 7-day cleanse (it's a liquid herbal cleanse put out by Arbonne). looking forward to the lightness i will feel!

sort of a grandbaby

i met sweetie's daughter and her new (< 1 month by 2 days) baby girl today. Sweetie and his daughter are not on the very best of terms but new motherhood tends to put a different spin on the way one views one's relationships and family....i speak from experience. at any rate--it was a good meet and i am behind them both full on. :)

challenges

i have gained back about 35 pounds since my "college weight" high of 3 years ago. it's challenging to offer myself the unconditional love and acceptance that i try to extend to my friends, family and clients! so i just observe my distress, my self-judgment; exhale into it, watch it squirm. this is especially noticeable at the weekly sweat. my friends still love me even though i am acutely aware of being extra chunky right now. it is a little excruciating but quite instructive.

sitting with and observing this discomfort is something i have learned from Pema Chodron, bless her holy little heart! BIG heart!

this month i am preparing for a good old fashioned spring cleaning. the first week, i gave up meat. this week i'm eliminating dairy products (milk in my coffee may make it past the deadline). the third week, goodbye grains. by the last week i should be eating mostly fruits and vegetables. March 1 i will start a week long cleanse!

part of me is looking forward to eating lighter. my sweetie and i indulge ourselves far too often in the food department! part of the reason i'm doing it this way is to give said sweetie plenty of notice that i am serious about changing my eating habits at least in the short run. and then we will be coming into Spring which is usually about the time i stop turning on the oven.

on the other hand, with all the crap going down in the world right now, i can also see that being upset about my arse represents a type of alignment with a completely ridiculous value system! sorting out How I Feel vs. How I Look is complicated. wanting to be thinner is not just about fitting into a size 10, it's also about moving more fluidly, having more energy, feeling sexier and more flexible. plus it makes my knees so much happier to support less weight!

so this is one more piece to add to the pile. upset about my weight, upset about being upset, you see how much fun we can have with this. all quietly observed, all quietly accepted, all quietly loved Just As It Is In This Moment.