Tuesday, March 08, 2011

too true to make up

I just now had the opportunity to say a sentence to someone on the phone that continues to reverberate:

"Who else can you call at 10:30 at night to ask about bloodletting?"

You can't make stuff like this up. Just sayin'.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

the mother wound

I attended my 5th memorial service in 10 months on Friday. Unlike the previous 4, this one was for a woman who had 2 daughters. I didn't know Vicki well, but she was the long-time gf of a male buddy of mine, and i went in support of him. (2 of those previous five services were for men, one was for a young woman friend of my son's, and the other one was for a childless colleague in her 40s).

Just seeing those 2 young women--Vicki's daughters--crying their eyes out triggered my own motherlessness, my Mother Wound. I was 11 when she died, and in the light of all the marriage preparations underway (my son will wed in April), i am fiercely missing having had a mother for the bulk of my life. It has bound me in ways that i am still discovering. Then on Saturday I had an unfortunate blow up with a girlfriend that gave me bad dreams and desperate fears of abandonment. The Mother Wound again.

My relationships with women are few. I relate much more easily with men, partly because by the time i was born, my mother was clinically depressed and my upbringing was pretty much left to my dad. I was surely a Daddy's Girl. His relentless foul temper was somehow more negotiable than the perennial blues of my mom.

And to add to the morass, my old lady-dog is readying for departure. Many times i fantasized that my mother had reincarnated in Sun Bear, and facing her imminent death is more difficult than i could have imagined.

So, it's all taking lots of deep breathing, lots of tears, lots of hugs from my community. I acknowledge with humility the great blessings of my life--the basic needs that are met, the sweetness of sharing my raw emotions in the sacred space of the weekly sweat-lodge, the genuine concern and helpfulness of my peers. The freedom to allow my tears to flow freely is the best balm of all. I am so grateful.

I know plenty of folks who are dealing with another type of Mother Wound altogether--that of watching a mother decline in health, mental and/or physical. The excruciating choices of "retirement home" vs. "home care" vs. "move mom into our home". I can't even picture how much more devastating these kinds of scenarios are. So i don't wish for anything different--just ask for clarity and steadfastness as i continue to negotiate my path through this dharma.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Becoming my best self

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!
My new affirmation/intention: "I am athletic and confident."
My mood has been draggin' and my ass has followed. "Free your ass, and your mind will follow!"
Wish me luck.
With all the turmoil in the world today, this may seem overly self-serving and indulgent. All i can say is, the better i am within myself, the more i can offer the world. And that's going to become ever more important.

Friday, March 04, 2011


I'm going to yet another memorial service this morning. Blessings to Vicki in her new raiment of light.