Sunday, July 22, 2012

drama and trauma

seem to go hand in hand with the sweetie's family. one week after moving out, his daughter fell and broke her leg, badly. not only that but lay out in the desert screaming and crying for over an hour, waiting for aid. and yes, the baby was with her. soooo, the sweetie was gone during her hospitalization.

then her mother came out to visit--and within 4 days of a 2-week stay, the mom freaked out and came up to Tucson, refusing to have anything more to do with her daughter/granddaughter, and sweetie once again had to go to their rescue.

i don't deny the need for his help. i just question the sanity of continuing to pursue a toxic connection, mining for diamonds in a slag heap!

the upshot is, the sweetie has been gone a lot lately and i've been grooving on the solitude, calm and peace that pervade my home when my little routine is the only thing going down! the fridge is empty (no leftovers from sweetie's culinary exploits). i've been eating a lot of fresh food--salads and fruit--and feel really good. plus, i'm really broke, so never have to worry about money! i buy what i need, that's it. i don't go out to eat. it's pretty simple, my life. ;)

daughter has a friend coming up tonight from NOLA who will stay with her a couple of weeks....the sweetie is worried that the friend won't be capable of the level of care she needs....and worries about the baby....his little love. what can i say?

here's the thing: every relationship hits a wall and it either bounces off and keeps going, or it smashes into a zillion pieces and is irrevocably lost. this is our wall. it seemed to me like it was going to shatter. i felt so abandoned (yet again)! but, this is my issue, not the sweetie's issue.

and the truth is, i like being Home Alone for days at a time. i am comfortable with silence and with my own company. i love letting all the animals sleep with me. so perhaps this is so much better than i thought it could be. let in the light of possibility!

Friday, July 06, 2012

our quiet home

feels mostly good....sweetie still in a funk; we're not back into a solid rhythm yet. so i am trying to lay off. the whole "do not poke with sticks" seems to be the best course.

what to do when the less beautiful characteristics conflict with existing relationships? offer forgiveness, inward to myself. ho'oponopono.

cool-ish breeze at the end of a hot day. spotty cloud cover is a blessing.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

just chillin on the 4th

a blissfully calm cover and some sun and then a nice groshing downpour!

sweetie and i are navigating the river of togetherness again....i think both of us are/were worn down from the constant noise and demand of the other 2 beings here....sweetie has been napping daily and going to bed early and it's had a wonderful effect on his mood.

i know he misses them. i know i don't....we've had folks in the RV on and off since last September, and pretty much full-time on since about Christmas? hard to remember.

i'm happy to have been able to extend the space to those who needed it....happy that it has worked well for all involved....and happy to be alone (free to be naked indoors again!) with the little pod here.

dog behavior is better too....Angus was a whining mess with everyone scolding him constantly for whining. it was irritating, so i'd just invite him into the bedroom with me and close the door on the others....which seems divisive and impolite but i just got sick of everyone giving him such a hard time! felt like we were not wanted....which sux in your own home!

sweetie can get in the car and drive an hour and a half to visit whenever he wants.

so i am feeling especially lucky, blessed and grateful on this Independence Day!

Monday, July 02, 2012


i caved, i called.

could i possibly not see that as caving? could i see that as *extending* myself instead?

i know the Buddhist stuff is always about selfless action. but i am a real baby sometimes and want to be coddled. then if it doesn't go down my way, i flip and split--quietly; i don't make giant shrieking speeches like my stepmother used to. but yeah, i'm edgy and unhappy and just plain worn out. and i haven't done jack for the past week. no gym visits. staying up too late. etc.

self-care is kinda low on the priority list right now and i KNOW it's sabotage. and it's an inside job too! :p

house sitting

going on a week. it's a big nice house on the east side with a huge saltwater aquarium (very finicky) and a couple of nice dogs, and A/C.

feeling depressed and abandoned by the sweetie man. we are having some silence between us, which always throws me off. i wish communication were easier for him. i wish it were easier for us, i guess. so i'm letting it rest instead of prodding with sticks. seems like the best choice.

i went home yesterday morning as he had made a trip down south to help his daughter move stuff & spent the night on her new (thrift store) couch. they left at 9:30 p.m. when it is cool enough to drive interstate with no a/c. so i showed up in the early a.m. to let my dogs out, and spent a few hours in blissful reunion with them and the kitty.

then when the sweetie got home it turned sour. i had been so excited to see him, and it felt like he stuck a pin in it. i left thinking he needed some rest. haven't heard from him since.

it feels shitty and awful, and scary. what happened to all that love? what happened to the way he'd look at me and smile? that has been gone for some time. is he simply exhausted from the last several months (as i am), or have his feelings changed? i don't know what to do or how to proceed.