the aftermath

hi all. it's tuesday and has been raining softly for most of today. yesterday was cloudy with small breaks for the sun. it's been a perfect background for my mood, which has been misty with sunny moments, too.

yesterday was extreme, and i knew it would be, so i took the day off to wallow and rebound. it was a wise move. i was exhausted emotionally and drained physically, so having some down time was most excellent. today i'm feeling better although still quiet inside, processing what i/we've been through in the past weeks.

how can i hold so many emotions simultaneously? i feel sad, but then again also a little relieved that the next phase has begun. 3 months is a long time for a date--and i am an intensely private person (in person, that is--here online i seem to go on a bit!). and we did so well. i miss him so much!

the sight of the empty closet--the wall hooks at the foot of the bed that were "his" are empty--the dogs are looking sort of bereft too.

we're all adjusting.

it's good that he is going home--to see his older son, to continue to appeal for visitation/partial custody of his younger son, to move into whatever new space he has waiting for him, to begin work at a steady schedule on only one bridge this year (vs. being vacation relief and covering different shifts on different bridges all the time)....his next steps are all waiting for him to return.

his friends, his new life. he is blossoming in so many ways. i am happy to be a part of that fulfillment, and at the same time i know that he has changed me as well.

squirrel pix

the squirrels here have us visitors well-trained. it took us less than 10 minutes to give them all our peanuts!

pix from madera canyon

snowy horizon










snowy yucca and bear grass












snowy man

if i'm gonna, i'd better

i said i wouldn't cry today and so far have kept my word. the packing goes on and i am little to no help, but at least i'm not crying!

i wanted to post some pix we took at madera canyon while i can still do it. they are loaded into chris' laptop and i can post them to my blog from there.

in the next week or two i am upgrading to a slightly bigger box that has a little more capacity and a better processor than the 1999 gateway astro i'm currently using. and one of these days, ebay's gonna bless me with a winning bid on a camera like chris'. i like his a lot, and am too technologically challenged to start all over with another brand/model/etc.



holding a snowball, i am

aw, shucks!!!

i must have pms....sorry about the whiney post yesterday....today is much better. for some reason just allowing those sad feelings to surface made it possible for them to clear out. thanks for your supportive comments! this blog 'family' sometimes feels like group therapy! (of course, i mean that in the best possible way!)

the truth is, i'm not sure how i'm going to deal with chris' absence. i know it will be hard in the first days. the dogs are probably going to be very confused. i'm going to feel overwhelmed and mopey for a week or so, then the 'self-righting mechanism' we all have inside us will activate, and i'll be fine.

we had a nice time walking around the street fair--as usual, i bought nothing but FOOD! something about those whole roasted ears of corn is just irresistible! i don't need any more clothes or jewelry--don't have wall space for any new artwork--plus i am saving for my next trip to minnesota, sometime this summer.

the sweat benefit was well attended and the band we heard was fabulous. i planned on staying an hour and instead we were there for 2 1/2. there was a huge organic salad and assorted mexican-food-theme dishes as well. eating, sweating, dancing, and socializing--a nice time indeed.

today i'm off to work, and tomorrow chris and i will both pack his car so that his departure monday morning can be sweet and not harried. i'll also post some pics from our trip to Madera Canyon, with the snow and squirrels and stuff.

make it a beautiful day!

i cry every day....

....and every day chris is there to comfort me. silly me, so emotional!

how lucky we are to have discovered each other. how blessed we have been to have such a long uninterrupted "third date" (thanks for the reminder, cooterang!). how amazing that two souls could unite over the cyberwaves of blogland, instant messenger, and cell phones.

now we will return to those same cyberwaves for our communication. and the story will continue to unfold.

i will have the memory of chris holding me in his arms and comforting me, kissing away my tears. plus the many memories stored up over the past 3 months....and now i will get to work on the things that came to light while he was here, my alone-work. to become a better person, more whole, more giving. he has taught me so much.

my dearest teacher! i will miss him so!


meanwhile, this weekend we will be attending the 4th Avenue Street Fair, a benefit for the sweat lodge, a rain dance held at a friend's property waaay out of town, and then will be sunday, our last day. sweet days to savor our strong bond of love.

the last week....

....is going way too fast.

every day is now "the last" tuesday, wednesday, etc....and it's slipping away!

chris went out to see ms. magz at the farm yesterday; he took angus along for the ride and also so the little guy could revisit the barn where he was borned a year ago! i was working or i'd have gone along too....

thursday, friday, saturday....sunday..........then monday morning.

wah!!!!!

psssssst

don't tell....but the secret is out....i just saw the funniest movie and figured out that chris is really an alien!!!!!

sorry about that

yeah, that last post was a little paranoid. oh well, **it happens!

chris went down to diamond mountain university in bowie, az to do volunteer construction for a couple of days. i needed a breather--needed to miss him so that our last week together would be honestly sweet.

i am a crabby bitch when i don't get my space. i think i've mentioned that it's a very small house i live in--less than 500 sf, with 2 bedrooms! so we've done extremely well in sharing up to now--and at the same time, it's been almost 2 1/2 months since i was home alone. (well, there was that trip he took to kentucky, but really he was only gone a little over 24 hours total.)

i had a nice mellow time last night, went to work this morning, and am planning a kick-ass dinner to welcome him home. little separations are good for the reunion part!

meanwhile, he's leaving FOR REALS on the 27th. it will be a miserable day. i wish minnesota was just a little closer to arizona.

it's cloudy and windy today, and we may actually get some more rain by the end of the weekend. that would be sweet.

ciao for now and i hope your weekend is going well!

T.W.I.M.C.

every time i get a hit from kentucky i get the feeling that chris and i are being watched. it's a little bit eerie, and so i decided to turn and face it rather than just feel weird about it.

so--twimc, chris is a wonderful, sweet, gentle person who is innocent of the charges made against him by his ex-partner. if he were just putting on a facade i would know it. he's not. he really, really is good to the core.

just sayin'.

back to work

i had 2 days in a row completely, totally OFF!

often i will schedule several light days vs. one heavy one, as massage takes a lot out of me--never more than i am willing to give, but my energy does wane after 3-4 treatments, and i'd rather do 2 a day for 2 days (especially if they are private clients and i am driving to their house and humping my table in and out) than 4 in one day.

what i am trying to say is that i often have days that are not terribly busy, but if i have even one appointment, i'm WORKING. so it's a rare thing to have 2 consecutive days off.

we had such a lovely time in sabino canyon sunday. yesterday was sort of a lazy day, with the added bonus of lots of interpersonal processing. what i said in the midst of a particularly strenuous moment was, God Is Sewing Us Together And Sometimes It Hurts Like Hell.

(but then again sometimes it tickles)



as much as i will hate to see chris go, i know that it's time for us to be by ourselves again.

OK, let me make that personal--i know i need to be by myself again for awhile.

there are certain things one can only learn in solitude, and certain other things one learns by being in relationship with another. i've been shown many areas i can work on in the coming months. i'll see how well i did, when we spend another big chunk of time together.

i would like to be more active in the near future (read chris' blog for his description of his 14 MILE HIKE last friday--i could no more do that than neurosurgery!). i'd like to lose about 35 pounds so that i feel better naked. i want to take more yoga classes, ride my bike more, and start hiking in the small amount of nice weather left before the heat comes.

i would also like to further explore both tibetan buddhism and jin shin jyutsu, 2 things i've shared with chris in the hopes of stimulating his interest in them as well. i think having shared courses of study would be muy cool!

and of course, chris has giant question marks in his life concerning his next domicile, his custody hearings, his job details. he tells me that the bridges are just barely covered with the staff on hand (i.e. i could probably get hired on if i decided to move!--ha) so he will have a regular shift this year, instead of being vacation relief. so much is up in the air for him, that i don't even know when i'll see him next, although i'm leaning towards a long weekend some time in late may.

so these next few precious days will be poignant and bittersweet; the end of our 3rd date is fast approaching.

photo sunday--water in sabino!

snow on the santa catalinas








anderson dam WITH WATER RUNNING!







anderson dam with water running and CHRIS WALKING!








"look, it's really water in the desert!"

2 weeks left

we're off to sabino canyon this morning. hopefully we'll take some photos for photo sunday!

it actually RAINED here yesterday, and the mountains are covered with snow! our first winter storm, and it's almost spring. funny weather patterns abound.

how it is now

it is very, very sweet right now between us.

we had a couple of bad days right after he came back from KY....he was sick and exhausted, and i was working a lot. i felt like i had "been there" for him up to, during, and after his ordeal; and now i wanted him to "be there" for me--but he was still not fully recovered from the double whammy of travel + illness (+ being accused of terrible things by an unfriendly "ex" as well--guess that's a triple whammy, huh?).

#1 rule of relationships: don't ever, EVER "expect" your mate to be able to pick you up when you're down. even if you trade off on picking each other up, there will inevitably come a time when you're BOTH down.

we all need to remember the unseen force that moves in all things. THAT'S what will pick you up when you are down.

ennaway (that's how we Western folk say "anyway"), it was a miserable 2 days where we were edgy and uncomfortable around each other until we talked it all out.

i must say, a good temper tantrum helps bring everything into sharp focus. how will we deal with discord? how will we process the recovery? how will we make up (best part!)?

we did really well and now i am finding him completely irresistible. how's that for a comeback?

and yes, we are planning the dreaded day of departure--but i don't really want to talk about it.

thanks meesh!

WIND!


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photo saturday and post sunday

the flowers were just because i love flowers. i have an altar in the living room and feel it is appropriate to have fresh flowers on it at all times. astromeria and stargazer lilies are my faves--the first b/c they last so long, the 2nd b/c they smell so sweet and are so outragously gorgeous at the same time!

so the pix were snapped b/c they were so deliciously perfect at that moment.

we are enjoying a healthy sunday at last. chris is back to near normal and i am finally decompressed from the school session.

we are looking at about 3 more weeks together. the process of letting go will be excruciating....or not, depending on how i choose to look at it.

how to let go gracefully. a lesson to learn now, so that when i die i'll have some practice. ha.

we are having a buddhist friend over for dinner and dharma talk. he is just one person, so it doesn't really count as "entertaining" (at least in my book it doesn't).

from time to time chris has spoken of buddhist concepts that we learned during our month-long class, so i know he's internalized a lot of it. my buddy chuck has just moved here from new jersey to be closer to diamond mountain....a lot of people are doing that, it seems. the woman i trade massage with (and her husband) relocated from olympia, washington....another couple and their young daughter are moving here this summer from pennsylvania....and there are folks visiting from as far away as australia.

anyway this has become a ramble instead of a post about flowers, so must be time to go.

happy weekend y'all!

flowers

home from the salt mines

poor chris has really had the stuffing knocked out of him. he's dead asleep at almost 9:30 a.m. and i've been up and out with the dogs, come home & had my 2nd cuppa, made breakfast (s'm'oatmeal with raw sunnies and punkin seeds cooked in), and am now getting ready to shower and head out.

i try to never wake babies or sick people. not that he's really sick, just getting over a cold; but the emotional wringing of the last week or so has taken it's toll as well.

i have 4 private clients today, yippee! that will make a big dent in the rent check.

we had lunch yesterday with 2 women i used to work with years ago. we all worked in different departments at a natural foods cooperative warehouse. now the 2 of them work for (shameless plug) MR. BEER, which as you may have guessed is a home-brewing kit. for the non-drinkers out there they have MR. ROOTBEER. (i haven't tried either, but keep meaning to....it's on the list!)

we ate at a tucson legend, Cafe Poca Cosa, that's changed locations 3 times at least in its brief history. it was deserted at 11:00 a.m. when we showed up, and by 12:15 when we left it was SRO. the food is fabulous, mexican gourmet home-cookin'. i say that last bit b/c every meal is served with the humble accoutrements of beans, rice and little corn tortillas to sop up every last bit.

thanks you 2! we had fun!

afterwards we headed over to the international farmer's market--coincidentally right down the street from the co-op warehouse--for a 25# bag of carrots. so many people want to meet chris, but i'm phobic about entertaining, so we've been eating out a lot. to make up for it we've been juicing a lot of carrots. i haven't had my old champion juicer out in years....but now we're having carrot-apple-ginger and carrot-celery-cilantro juice on a regular basis. helps offset the restaurant food!

after chris goes back north, i'm planning a long-overdue internal cleanse--lighten up the diet, drink lots of juice, etc. spring cleaning....

over and done

well--the case was dismissed, or revoked, or withdrawn, or whatever you call it when the accusing party can't prove their case (help me, Lady Justicia!). it only cost about 1500$ for chris to fly there, rent a car, stay in a cheap motel, and retain a lawyer for 2 days. just think how much farther that money could have gone towards, say, starting a college fund for jerry-o, instead of being used to prove the innocence of the innocent. ah, but it's just this kind of thinking that is so counterproductive!

i AM indeed very thankful that everything worked out the way it did. turns out chris didn't even testify, or need to produce all the affidavits he had folks here fill out and notarize. those of you who have read chris' blog now know that jerry's mother finally took her DNA test and chris is, in fact, jerry's father; and there are court dates already set up in april and may in minnesota for the custody hearing.

thanks to everyone for all the good vibes! i continue to wish no harm to jerry's mother, and hope that someday soon she will find peace of mind.

meanwhile, i sort of enjoyed having the house to myself, even though i missed chris. it's a very, very small house i live in (<500 sf), so it gets cluttered easily. add two dogs (indoor-outdoor-indoor-outdoor-indoor-outdoor dogs) who really want there to be as much dirt inside as out, and it's just a dang mess most of the time.

i leave to pick chris up in about half an hour. sweet reunion! :)