tuesday musings

tomorrow sam the kitty gets neutered. he has been fighting the neighbor's cat with caterwauling regularity, and i'm way behind on this little chore.

i had to look back in my archives to find out when i got him--it was 8/18/06!

in the past year, he really has crawled into my heart, and twirled his long fluffy tail around it.

busy times

i am way behind on my blog reading and commenting. forgive me for my lapses; i'm a spiritual being having a human experience!

yesterday was quite wonderful at the Sweat.

things are evening out nicely.

Eckhart Tolle has something to say

Dear Friends

I imagine that each of you are feeling the intensity everyday of how life is mirroring back to you that which is no longer serving you. This is a very potent time for becoming more acutely aware of all aspects of ourselves, the very subtle patterns that have been deeply inlaid in our consciousness and are running us around in circles. The energies are such now that we have greater access to naming and seeing those things which have had power over us. Every moment, the world mirrors ourself back to us.

A human being who lives in connectedness with THAT and then acts and interacts becomes a blessing on the planet, whereas the unenlightened human is very heavy on the planet. There is a heaviness to the unenlightened. And the planet is suffering from millions of unenlightened humans. The burden on the planet is taking it's toll. However, the good news is transformation is taking place.

... from Eckhart Tolle

blessed be--read this and pass it on

~Imagine A Woman~

Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman. A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories. Who refuses to carry the "sins" of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who believes she is good. A woman who trusts and respects herself. Who listens to her needs and desires and meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present. A woman who has walked through her past. Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life. A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf. Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and to her wisest voice.

Imagine a woman who names her own gods. A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness. Who designs her own spirituality and allows it to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body. A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is. Who celebrates her body and its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who honors the face of the Goddess in her changing face. A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom. Who refuses to use her precious life energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life. A woman who sits in circles of women. Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

And dear friends~ Imagine yourself as this woman~ A woman who always stands strong in her Powers~ A woman who has courage to speak her truth~ A woman who has strength to face her fears~ A woman who knows her values of life~ A woman who walks her earth walk~ in the explandance of her true God Reality~ Imagine this woman as You~

"Our planet is in desperate need of women who love themselves. Women who use their time, energy, and resources to design life-affirming solutions for the challenges confronting humankind. Women who give birth to images of inclusion, poems of truth, rituals of healing, experiences of transformation, relationships of equality, strategies of peace, institutions of justice, and households of compassion."

~Patricia Lynn Reilly

thank you to my friend Ava for sending me this beautiful, inspiring, TRUE message!

thanks kath!

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

the latest disaster/growth opportunity

my old Sun Bear was in pain last night. she'd cry out, just lying by herself on the floor, no one near her. her lower back (site of kidneys, failing; and also site of valley fever surgery last october) was hot to the touch. she also refused her dinner, which is a Big Event. the dog lives to eat, so if she ain't eating, it's serious.

so today i took her in to the vet with the intention of ending her life.


i had a cat before Sam. his name was Effie. he was an awesome guy....and i waited too long to put him down. he suffered from valley fever also (very unusual in a cat) and then developed lymphoma. after getting amazing results from chemo pills for that, he had a few good months, but then his kidneys started failing and we started the sub-Q fluids, not popular with either of us. he hated it, i hated it, it was horrid. his appetite dropped off, he lost weight. i would open 3 different cans of cat food at a time, just to get him to eat a couple of teapoons.

one day he wobbled out to the car and sat down on the driveway by the passenger door. it was as clear a request to "go" that i could imagine, since the only place we ever went in the car was to the vet's office.

that day i took him in and held him in my lap while he let go of all of the suffering.

(3 years later, Sam is here....and if souls really do get recycled, i'm pretty sure Effie is in there!)


so anyway, i wanted to avoid waiting too long with Sun Bear. bless her heart, she's got valley fever, had tick fever, and is also in the downward spiral of renal failure. i mean, she is not going to get better, and i wanted to intervene before she got too much worse. (plus, the weekend is coming, and the emergency vets are incredibly expensive.)

we got to the vet's and she walks in with her tail wagging and her eyes all bright, and the vet is like, what did you say was wrong with her?

last night she was off her feed, hot in the low back, and whimpering in pain.

well, let's see if she'll eat a little for us here today.

and damned if she doesn't gobble all the food, drink water noisily, and look around for seconds.


before the appointment, i called in to cancel my shift at the Prov tonight in tears, thinking i was going to leave the vet's with a body in a bag. and instead i now have 2 new prescriptions--an anti-inflammatory and some pain pills--and a happy, waggy, saggy old doggy.

oh, and the night off too. i think we'll go up Mt. Lemmon to celebrate.

yippee!

first rattler of the year

saw him today while doing the river walk, stretched out long and lazy right in the middle of the path. was so distracted getting the dogs' collars in my hands that i disremembered to snap a pic.

he kindly slithered away, not bothering to rattle even once.

the rest of the walk had me checking the undergrowth!

more thanks

it is sunday afternoon and i am climbing back into the frame of mind that i prefer; i.e., that 95% of my life is an incredible blessing, and 5% of it is a minor annoyance.

my funds are momentarily stabilized, my kitty is walking better every day (of course, he gets a lot of PT from yours truly) and the phantom pain from my amputated relationship has mostly abated.

and i have to say, i am SO GLAD that i'm in an alternative reality to the one currently in full sway here on planet Earth.

i joined a networking group recently in an effort to boost my business. surrounded by the 'cream of the corporate crop' i valiantly stand and give a 30-60 second 'commercial' about My Business, TazMassage, every Thursday morning between 7:00-8:30 a.m.

[other businesses represented include real estate, mortgage broker, house inspector, insurance, financial planner, skin care specialist, appraiser, escrow officer, house cleaning service, etc.]

the mortgage broker has made 2 appointments to see me, and twice he has done a 'no-call-no-show.' (this is very bad ettiquette!)

after the 2nd n-c-n-s, i left him a polite phone message detailing my fee for non-cancellations. the next day i got an email from him, timestamped 11:20 p.m. the previous day, in which he told me that he had JUST gotten home from the office, and how much business was on the line for him, and how much he was personally taking responsibility for until 'the condition' got more stable.

since i am news-aversive it took me a couple of days to catch on (of course i was dealing with my own 'destabilization' as well). but when i realized how much of his--and soooo many others--whole life is plugged into a failing system, i got a momentary insight in to just how big a splat is going to occur when the proverbial you-know-what hits the proverbial fan....

so the more emotional upheaval i can successfully navigate, the better off i will be to counsel/heal/assist others who are just starting. i guess. makes about as much sense as any other explanation.

meanwhile, earlier in the week, i went to see Sicko, and recommend it whole-heartedly.

the story about the 9-11 volunteers is quite moving, but i also loved the part where Michael Moore anonymously sent a $12,000 check to a man who had created a Michael-Moore-bashing website.

the man had posted a notice that he would have to shut down the website to save money, as his wife needed some surgery that wasn't going to be covered by their health insurance.

"bravo for life's little ironies"
~Gary Trudeau

thank you

slammed down and then slammed right back up again!

the last 2 days were complete 180 degrees apart from each other. i swear, i'm hitting the very edges of my emotional capacity (or so i mistakenly thought)....

i lost thursday entirely to uncontrollable storms of weeping. i tried to go out twice but ended up cancelling the meetings, then had to go to the Providence at 4:30 for one treatment.

i told myself, it will be good to get out of my own stuff for awhile....but as soon as i walked in, i saw the owner standing behind the front desk. 'hey taza, HOW ARE YOU?' with a big smile that quickly turned to concern as i proceeded to have an instantaneous meltdown....suffice it to say that he advised me to go home after my treatment was over.

i was able to pull it back together for that session, and of course felt much better after it was over. as Chogyam Trungpa writes, "the true spiritual warrior's heart is perpetually broken, for when we are broken-hearted, we are most compassionate towards the suffering of others."

(i'm paraphrasing here, but this is one of the more salient points of the book Shambala.)

friday started with a bang by rocketing to the bank to deposit a check before all the online payments hit the airwaves....then did 4 treatments, 2 of which were outcalls....visited a friend in the hospital who just had a prolapse repaired (don't ask for details--but it was one of those 'i'm so grateful that's not me' moments).

a friend who moved away 13 years ago--with whom i have not kept in touch--has called me repeatedly all week, as she made an impromptu trip to Tucson with her 17-year-old son and she thought we just HAD to get together. i kept trying to explain that i was having the Week From Hell, but it just didn't filter through to her, so after my last treatment we met up at the Guatemalan restaurant for a short visit that turned into a much longer one. i was completely exhausted by the time i got back home. her son is wonderful, though, and i was really happy to re-meet him.

today i worked on 2 other folks--which is always a good antidote to wallowing, if one can make it out of the house--and now, now, now it is officially TIME OUT FOR TAZA. i will sweat tomorrow and drop the rest of this awful crap.

thank you thank you thank you for prayers, well wishes, virtual hugs, virtual drugs, and all the collective sweet juice you have been sending my way. it's all been received and put to good use.

why history is helpful, part 1

looking back through my archives i find that the last time i was unequivocally happy about my relationship with chris was in february, when he was here last, and things had been going more or less downhill after that leavetaking. the scene with julie and jerry just got weirder and more intense, and i spiraled down with him.

crash, boom.

sigh.

so, i should actually be happy to release something that wasn't serving either one of us in the highest way. right?

except for this: i learned a new word yesterday: DYSTHYMIA. and i'm about as sure as i can be that i've got it.

i have been in a low-level depression since my triple-whammy 4 1/2 years ago when 1) my dad died suddenly, which precipitated 2) the end of a very dysfunctional relationship, which then precipitated 3) a sudden but necessary move from Rural Paradise (aka Cascabel, AZ) to Urban Jungle (aka Tucson, AZ).

all of this took place within a 2-week period, starting the day after christmas, 2002. my dad actually fell on christmas eve, but all of us didn't know he was headed out until christmas day, which was spent making emergency travel plans. bless his crusty heart, he waited until i got there, late in the day of december 26, to shuffle off this mortal coil.

(christmas has been a bit 'different' for me ever since.)

i loved living in the country, but couldn't see continuing there when the work i was born to do required more of a population than exists in 10 Cascabels. i had been making do with a series of odd jobs, and sharing expenses meant that we were just about getting by month to month.

i mourned my father and continue to do so, but never really mourned the loss of that beautiful rough lifestyle--and the beautiful rough community of assorted yayhoos--on the other side of the Rincon Mountains.

i've been limping ever since, and i think i just got used to it--the way one adjusts one's walk after an ankle sprain. one is not dis-abled, exactly, just less-abled.

bring on the next triple-whammy (chris, finances, and sick sam) and i'm feeling pretty frickin' disabled, you betcha.

so--i'm ready for Prozac! anybody have some extra tabs lying around that they're finished with?

i'll pay postage....

stormy monday

rain rain rain rain rain rain rain

the streets were all rivers this morning as a soft steady rain gently pummeled the pavement. i had a breakfast date with a friend that i had to cancel--after trying to make it through the flooded intersections and finding huge traffic jams on the main streets, i opted to turn around and go home.

sam, my kitty, has some kind of big problem with his hind end. he showed up friday night, unable to walk, and i've nursed him with kitty morphine (torbutrol) and colloidal silver all weekend. he's improved gradually each day, and i hope to avoid the vet's office if possible. i can't afford a vet bill right now! i kited a check to my landlord saturday, and will have to empty my business account to cover it.

and i just got a cancellation for tomorrow from a couple of disability clients whose SSD check hasn't come yet. i give this couple an insanely good deal b/c they are on a limited income. another regular client has been out of town for 2 weeks, and i'm really missing those checks!

my bottom line has disappeared. meanwhile, i am facing a mountain of debt myself--i won't say exactly how much (but at least it's under $20,000).

maybe i should apply for disability. this past weekend i truly felt as though i was losing my mind. relationship & finances in the crapper, and then sam getting hurt as well. that seemed like the cruelest extra.

i do keep giving thanks for the things that are working: my car, my health, my community of friends, my wonderful son, my doggy companions.

and, of course, the blogosphere....

a year ago i was rain

(26 july, 2006)

now i'm lightning. hmmmm.

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous People will stop and watch you when you appear Even though you're capable of random violence You are best known for: your power Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

wow,

WATER CRYSTAL of the month


A crystal photograph of the water which I put on a photograph of a badge of FIRE THE GRID

the above is from Dr. Masaru Emoto's website. He's the man who was featured in the movie "What the Bleep Do We Know?" and has published several books about the crystalline structure of water molecules.

i just happened to drop by the site today, and there was that cool pic.

yes

Drinking the Tears of the World:
Grief as Deep Activism

by Francis Weller

At a recent gathering that combined writing practice and grief work, we asked those attending what brought them there. Their responses revealed a powerful mixture of personal and collective sorrow, with most every one speaking to the feelings they were carrying for the state of the world. The specific focus of their grief varied, but the consensus was it was clear we are carrying great sorrow for the sufferings of our planet.

The weekend made it obvious to all of the participants that we need regular avenues to allow the accumulated grief of our lives to be released. Our personal losses must be weighed with dignity, with compassion, and shared. It is essential that we do not measure our losses against the world's, setting up comparisons that make our individual sorrows less important. Our ability to receive our own grief opens the gateway for our communal compassion.

What has become clear is the powerful role grief plays in enabling us to face what is taking place in our communities, our ecologies, families, nations, etc. What I mean by that is that grief is a powerful emotion capable of keeping the edges of the heart pliable, flexible, fluid, and open to the world, and as such, becomes a potent support for any form of activism we may intend to take, indeed is itself a vital form of soul activism.

It is absolutely essential that we address issues of the heart in considering our responses to life. The heartless overtures tossed about with reckless abandon in our political world, reveals what is possible when matters of the heart are neglected.

click on the title to read the full article.

it's pretty long, so go get a snack first.

sore

that word describes me to a "t" (what does that mean anyway?) these days.

i went to yoga class tuesday and wendesday, and today my back and hamstrings are really reminding me of how long it's been since i took yoga on a regular basis.

and i'm mostly over the hurt feelings but i still am "sore" about the whole Chris thang. of course, what with the bridge collapse in MN yesterday, i was worried. bless my son's big heart, HE called Chris to see if he was OK, then called me so i wouldn't have to hear about it later (my son knows that i don't listen to the news or read newspapers, so wouldn't know about the bridge disaster.)

but i'm still very angry that Chris moved on so quickly and so stealthily, and also that he hasn't called or emailed me to apologize for being a jerk.

i know, i know, it's unreasonable to think that someone in the throes of an Exciting New Love Affair would call the old piece of cheese to get chewed out for being a shithead, but i can dream, can't i?

truthfully, i'd prefer to just drop it, and so i went to a Tonal Healing tuesday with the intention of transmuting my anger. unfortunately, i'm still mad--not AS mad, mind you, but it's still there--but it was still a very cool deal tuesday night.

the event is called Violet Voyage and the folks who host it are friends of mine. they decided to start holding a weekly event combining didgeridoo, crystal bowls, flutes, hand drums, shakers, bells, gongs, etc., and the Violet Ray Crystal Resonator (VRCR).

it is hard to describe this experience, but basically everyone who shows up (7 this last time) sits in a chair in this little room and closes their eyes. Allen and Audrey start improvising their musical magic--it is really wonderful how well they play together. the crystal bowls are magnificent! they have a dozen of them set up, and there are at least 8 didgeridoos in different keys. plus all the other stuff i mentioned above!

these are not eucalyptus didges; they are made locally from the hollowed-out stalks of agave (or century) plants and are more lightweight and easier to play as well.

if you are not familiar with the instrument, it's a long hollow tube that is played by vibrating the lips in one end. it sounds like a low gutteral hum, but is much more than just that. people who have mastered circular breathing can play without stopping for an intense aural experience. it's a great meditation tool for both the player and the listener. originating in Australia in aboriginal culture, this instrument has now become familiar worldwide. and Allen is a master player (go HERE to see a pic of Allen playing a didgeridoo)!

meanwhile, Jeremy works with the VRCR. there is a massage table set up at one end of the room, and everyone gets a turn for a short session. he will either work intuitively, or you can tell him a specific area you'd like addressed, and he will put the violet ray bulb on various points for awhile. this violet light pulses at 732 TRILLION cycles per SECOND! it makes a very interesting noise when applied to the crown chakra point--kind of like being under a tree with a big cicada in it. (cicadas are definitely vibrationally transformative beings....)

at one time Allen held the end of the didge directly in front of my heart and feeling the waves of vibration shook loose some tears. i am so ready to be free of this pain.

oh, and last winter i arranged for Chris to have a 2-hour didgeridoo lesson with Jeremy. when he went back to MN he made his own didge out of PVC pipe, and taught his son Nate to play one as well.

there are just too many references to Chris around here--in my house, in my community, and in my brain. i really do feel like some old piece of cheese, forgotten in the back of the fridge and left to mold on forever.

sure would be nice if someone new was knocking on my door--but it's not my style to run right on to the next relationship. i feel a clearing is necessary so that i don't bring all the leftovers with me. to that end, i'm working with my feelings and trying not to deny or avoid them.

i will be very happy when the SORE phase is over.