why history is helpful, part 1

looking back through my archives i find that the last time i was unequivocally happy about my relationship with chris was in february, when he was here last, and things had been going more or less downhill after that leavetaking. the scene with julie and jerry just got weirder and more intense, and i spiraled down with him.

crash, boom.

sigh.

so, i should actually be happy to release something that wasn't serving either one of us in the highest way. right?

except for this: i learned a new word yesterday: DYSTHYMIA. and i'm about as sure as i can be that i've got it.

i have been in a low-level depression since my triple-whammy 4 1/2 years ago when 1) my dad died suddenly, which precipitated 2) the end of a very dysfunctional relationship, which then precipitated 3) a sudden but necessary move from Rural Paradise (aka Cascabel, AZ) to Urban Jungle (aka Tucson, AZ).

all of this took place within a 2-week period, starting the day after christmas, 2002. my dad actually fell on christmas eve, but all of us didn't know he was headed out until christmas day, which was spent making emergency travel plans. bless his crusty heart, he waited until i got there, late in the day of december 26, to shuffle off this mortal coil.

(christmas has been a bit 'different' for me ever since.)

i loved living in the country, but couldn't see continuing there when the work i was born to do required more of a population than exists in 10 Cascabels. i had been making do with a series of odd jobs, and sharing expenses meant that we were just about getting by month to month.

i mourned my father and continue to do so, but never really mourned the loss of that beautiful rough lifestyle--and the beautiful rough community of assorted yayhoos--on the other side of the Rincon Mountains.

i've been limping ever since, and i think i just got used to it--the way one adjusts one's walk after an ankle sprain. one is not dis-abled, exactly, just less-abled.

bring on the next triple-whammy (chris, finances, and sick sam) and i'm feeling pretty frickin' disabled, you betcha.

so--i'm ready for Prozac! anybody have some extra tabs lying around that they're finished with?

i'll pay postage....