sore

that word describes me to a "t" (what does that mean anyway?) these days.

i went to yoga class tuesday and wendesday, and today my back and hamstrings are really reminding me of how long it's been since i took yoga on a regular basis.

and i'm mostly over the hurt feelings but i still am "sore" about the whole Chris thang. of course, what with the bridge collapse in MN yesterday, i was worried. bless my son's big heart, HE called Chris to see if he was OK, then called me so i wouldn't have to hear about it later (my son knows that i don't listen to the news or read newspapers, so wouldn't know about the bridge disaster.)

but i'm still very angry that Chris moved on so quickly and so stealthily, and also that he hasn't called or emailed me to apologize for being a jerk.

i know, i know, it's unreasonable to think that someone in the throes of an Exciting New Love Affair would call the old piece of cheese to get chewed out for being a shithead, but i can dream, can't i?

truthfully, i'd prefer to just drop it, and so i went to a Tonal Healing tuesday with the intention of transmuting my anger. unfortunately, i'm still mad--not AS mad, mind you, but it's still there--but it was still a very cool deal tuesday night.

the event is called Violet Voyage and the folks who host it are friends of mine. they decided to start holding a weekly event combining didgeridoo, crystal bowls, flutes, hand drums, shakers, bells, gongs, etc., and the Violet Ray Crystal Resonator (VRCR).

it is hard to describe this experience, but basically everyone who shows up (7 this last time) sits in a chair in this little room and closes their eyes. Allen and Audrey start improvising their musical magic--it is really wonderful how well they play together. the crystal bowls are magnificent! they have a dozen of them set up, and there are at least 8 didgeridoos in different keys. plus all the other stuff i mentioned above!

these are not eucalyptus didges; they are made locally from the hollowed-out stalks of agave (or century) plants and are more lightweight and easier to play as well.

if you are not familiar with the instrument, it's a long hollow tube that is played by vibrating the lips in one end. it sounds like a low gutteral hum, but is much more than just that. people who have mastered circular breathing can play without stopping for an intense aural experience. it's a great meditation tool for both the player and the listener. originating in Australia in aboriginal culture, this instrument has now become familiar worldwide. and Allen is a master player (go HERE to see a pic of Allen playing a didgeridoo)!

meanwhile, Jeremy works with the VRCR. there is a massage table set up at one end of the room, and everyone gets a turn for a short session. he will either work intuitively, or you can tell him a specific area you'd like addressed, and he will put the violet ray bulb on various points for awhile. this violet light pulses at 732 TRILLION cycles per SECOND! it makes a very interesting noise when applied to the crown chakra point--kind of like being under a tree with a big cicada in it. (cicadas are definitely vibrationally transformative beings....)

at one time Allen held the end of the didge directly in front of my heart and feeling the waves of vibration shook loose some tears. i am so ready to be free of this pain.

oh, and last winter i arranged for Chris to have a 2-hour didgeridoo lesson with Jeremy. when he went back to MN he made his own didge out of PVC pipe, and taught his son Nate to play one as well.

there are just too many references to Chris around here--in my house, in my community, and in my brain. i really do feel like some old piece of cheese, forgotten in the back of the fridge and left to mold on forever.

sure would be nice if someone new was knocking on my door--but it's not my style to run right on to the next relationship. i feel a clearing is necessary so that i don't bring all the leftovers with me. to that end, i'm working with my feelings and trying not to deny or avoid them.

i will be very happy when the SORE phase is over.