sweetie's last weekend

my dear one is returning to the snowy north tomorrow. as always, i'm withdrawing a little bit early so as to insulate myself from the shock of being alone. it's a difficult path, this long-distance stuff, but the truth is it's also perfect for me as i continue to modify my knee-jerk reactions to anyone's getting too close to me.

my partnership patterns were built on a solidly dysfunctional base. i was deliberately conceived in order to keep my brother ("the immaculate conception") company. by the time he was born, my parents were not sleeping together any longer. my mother timed her ovulation and told my dad to take his best shot!

of course i am grateful for the gift of life, AND i wonder what difference it might have made if i had lain in a welcoming womb instead of one that belonged to a woman who had already given up on life and happiness.

the gentle persistent opening of my heart in love lets me know how tight the scar tissue is....it is only in stretching that we find out where we are restricted. my churlish and irritable self is being reminded that there is another way to be, another route to take, a different road to togetherness.

i have much to UNlearn about love and therefore these long breaks between our togetherness help me to achieve each new level of accomplishment without crashing/burning (my relationship MO in the past: fall head over heels, fly high, and then have a dramatic fire-y explosion. crawl into a hole, lick wounds, repeat entire process. getting a little b-o-r-i-n-g!).

so while it will be a largely miserable week ahead, i also know that our growth together continues even though we are not in the same house any longer. the path meanders ahead, out of sight around the next bend. we never know when we will be together next, given the variables of time, money, and scheduling....and yet it does seem certain that there WILL be a next time.

sending all of you big hugs!

om mani padme hum

the lotus flower, one of the most beautiful blooms on earth, has at its source a quagmire of slime and muck.

this is apropos of how i feel today.

i found out yesterday that 2 aquaintances of mine decided to end their own lives--separately, mind you; at least they didn't confer and purposefully decide to double-whammy anyone who happened to know both of them.

one put a hose from his exhaust pipe into his car window at a rest stop in oregon.

the other one was a lot messier about it and left himself for his girlfriend to find on valentine's day.

goodbye and blessings to larry (also known as la-la) and larkin.

i'd like to believe that at any given time, any one of us human beans is doing our level best to stretch upwards towards the light.

news like this makes me realize that sometimes a person's best just isn't very good.

on the other hand, news like this also makes me realize that i'm darned proud of my accomplishments, and also of the fact that i am still here, crawling through the slime and muck of my own humble beginnings. and you know what? maybe there's a bud forming. maybe there's a flowering in my near future.

so, if you are "topside" today and reading this, take a moment to thank yourself and honor yourself for getting through the tough times.

you may not be perfect, but you're still here, trying to bloom. and that is worth a lot more than you might believe.

goddess bless.

rising signs

Your Rising Sign is Virgo

Well put-together and elegant, you sometimes seem standoffish. And truth be told, sometimes you do feel superior to those around you. A bit shy and introverted, you tend to stay quiet - even if you're feeling social. At parties, you can seem like you're very serious while you're having fun. You clever and ingenious, with an alert and active mind. Good at facts and figures, you excel at logical and mathematical tasks.

What's Your Rising Sign?

OH MY GOSH!!!! IT'S FEBRUARY!!!!

hello and happy new year (HA!) to all and sundry!

life got away from me and as i am now working about 6 days a week, getting a handle on it ain't easy!

i am really doing really well.

sun bear has not only got valley fever but blood tests showed she also had tick fever this last year (yech). she is peeing like a sieve every night but thankfully the weather has warmed up enough that i keep her outside at night. her spirits are still good and she loves to eat and go for walks....for now, that's enough.

angus and sam are fine furry fellows.

my sweetie has been here, gone home, and come back! he arrived on my (ahem) 50th birthday in the middle of December, stayed through New Year's, and then returned about 10 days ago.

we are really doing really well too!

i have felt a little inhibited in my writing as i know that his "ex" checks my blog. it's a weird feeling and while it is my aim to be ever-compassionate to all, i have to admit tripping a little bit over this.

still, i wish her a healthy and peaceful heart and mind, and know that all is unfolding as it should.

time is FLYING and the office is doing OK; no, better than that. it is a GORGEOUS space and i feel so happy working there. my practice is building gradually, as i intended, so that i won't freak out and over book or over work myself.

having a sweet house helper is awfully nice too!

blessings and good vibes to all!

:)