Saturday, February 24, 2007

sweetie's last weekend

my dear one is returning to the snowy north tomorrow. as always, i'm withdrawing a little bit early so as to insulate myself from the shock of being alone. it's a difficult path, this long-distance stuff, but the truth is it's also perfect for me as i continue to modify my knee-jerk reactions to anyone's getting too close to me.

my partnership patterns were built on a solidly dysfunctional base. i was deliberately conceived in order to keep my brother ("the immaculate conception") company. by the time he was born, my parents were not sleeping together any longer. my mother timed her ovulation and told my dad to take his best shot!

of course i am grateful for the gift of life, AND i wonder what difference it might have made if i had lain in a welcoming womb instead of one that belonged to a woman who had already given up on life and happiness.

the gentle persistent opening of my heart in love lets me know how tight the scar tissue is only in stretching that we find out where we are restricted. my churlish and irritable self is being reminded that there is another way to be, another route to take, a different road to togetherness.

i have much to UNlearn about love and therefore these long breaks between our togetherness help me to achieve each new level of accomplishment without crashing/burning (my relationship MO in the past: fall head over heels, fly high, and then have a dramatic fire-y explosion. crawl into a hole, lick wounds, repeat entire process. getting a little b-o-r-i-n-g!).

so while it will be a largely miserable week ahead, i also know that our growth together continues even though we are not in the same house any longer. the path meanders ahead, out of sight around the next bend. we never know when we will be together next, given the variables of time, money, and scheduling....and yet it does seem certain that there WILL be a next time.

sending all of you big hugs!


At 2/24/07, 6:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

being loved and cherished is high on my list of what we all need.

i understand the difficulty you speak of tho... i was conceived in order to get my mom married... that didn't work out.

not for any of us. my dad resented me, and my mom blamed me for not doing the job right, i guess?

my husband..

i married for the wrong reasons.. i was 18 ( just barely) and married him because by then i had my own apt, had graduated a couple of months prior from high school.. and was hungry. hungry for food, which i stole at times., and hungry for kindness and love.. or what passed for it.. with a 20 yr old male, what passes is sex.

I hated sex... felt violated and repulsed each time... and it was hard to not comply... he got ugly..
and drank more and more..

funny... i finally figured out why it repulsed me so, when i met the love of my life..

turns out i didn't have enough money for her, though.. so

here i am 37 yrs later, living a life so cold and lonely that it literally hurts. everywhere. body, mind and spirit.. and no way out.

its my own fault tho..

when i told him my nineteen yr old cat died.. he said only, "did you put him on the porch?"

two days later when I told him Elaine died, he said "did she?"

When I told him I was distracted due to the biopsy and tests and so on.. he said its stress and then made it about him, when i lost my temper over trash not taken out.. and the fact that i wanted take out for dinner instead of cooking today..

he went out.. i had popcorn

i live a very sad life in a very cold place..

grab on taz... try to ....
can you imagine how it feels not to have anyone touch you with love for years at a time?

not even a hand on your shoulder?

not good taz

not good

hang on to the happy


At 3/2/07, 5:53 PM, Blogger Season~of~ Magic said...

I love you Taza, thank you for for touching me

At 3/13/07, 10:27 AM, Blogger Loner said...

I have learned a lot from The Women who Run with the Wolves book - though my preference is to listen to her tapes - theater of the imagination at present - amazing what the soul can endure... Oh - and happy belated birthday!


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