sweetie's last weekend

my dear one is returning to the snowy north tomorrow. as always, i'm withdrawing a little bit early so as to insulate myself from the shock of being alone. it's a difficult path, this long-distance stuff, but the truth is it's also perfect for me as i continue to modify my knee-jerk reactions to anyone's getting too close to me.

my partnership patterns were built on a solidly dysfunctional base. i was deliberately conceived in order to keep my brother ("the immaculate conception") company. by the time he was born, my parents were not sleeping together any longer. my mother timed her ovulation and told my dad to take his best shot!

of course i am grateful for the gift of life, AND i wonder what difference it might have made if i had lain in a welcoming womb instead of one that belonged to a woman who had already given up on life and happiness.

the gentle persistent opening of my heart in love lets me know how tight the scar tissue is....it is only in stretching that we find out where we are restricted. my churlish and irritable self is being reminded that there is another way to be, another route to take, a different road to togetherness.

i have much to UNlearn about love and therefore these long breaks between our togetherness help me to achieve each new level of accomplishment without crashing/burning (my relationship MO in the past: fall head over heels, fly high, and then have a dramatic fire-y explosion. crawl into a hole, lick wounds, repeat entire process. getting a little b-o-r-i-n-g!).

so while it will be a largely miserable week ahead, i also know that our growth together continues even though we are not in the same house any longer. the path meanders ahead, out of sight around the next bend. we never know when we will be together next, given the variables of time, money, and scheduling....and yet it does seem certain that there WILL be a next time.

sending all of you big hugs!