hiatus

folks, my computer she is done broke, aka FUBARed, and i am at the library where i have been checking emails for the past week or so. someone is coming to help on thursday. i send out well wishes to all and will be posting more often when the machine is fixed.
ciao for now

VAYA CON DIOS SHANKARA

(the following is a letter i posted on the Sweat listserve today.)

Hello dear friends,

I have told many of you the story of my last communication to Shankara, just a couple of hours before his passage. I will tell it again here because it filled me with joy when it happened.

On Thursday night i went to Allan S's for a sweat. Sitting in my car in front of his house, i decided to call up to Colorado to see if i could speak to Shankara. A sweet woman by the name of Luna answered the phone, told me that he had had a very rough day, and had been deeply sedated to facilitate his rest. She said he was unresponsive even though lights were on and music was playing pretty loudly (indeed, i could hear Krishna Das singing in the background). She said she was just being present with him for the evening, she was not a nurse at the hospice.

I asked her if she would tell him that i had called, and was going to sweat and pray for him. She was happy to hear that. Then she added, "I will hold the phone up to his ear and you can tell him yourself!"

So i waited a moment and then said loud and clear, "Shankara, this is Taza, and i'm at Allan's, and we are sweating tonight and will be making lots of prayers for you, holding you in the Light and surrounding you with our Love. We love you so much, dear brother."

Luna took the phone back and said, "I really think he got that--his breathing changed as soon as you started talking to him. It got very calm and peaceful."

As you may know, hearing is one of the last functions that leaves a body in transition. I spoke into Shankara's ear a mere 2 hours before his "flight" and am so happy to have been able to let him know how much he is loved.

The Sweat was quite fine with many prayers and much gratitude for Shankara's presence in our lives; his example of how to be a gentle warrior. I especially remember the connection he cultivated with my son, and with many of our Family's children, as a kindly uncle or grandfather figure.

I delight in many sweet memories of Shankara. And i definitely felt his joy and presence at the fabulous "Desa Rae Birthday Bash" last night at Old Town Artisans. What a wonderful wake for our friend and brother!

Blessings to all,
Taza

the shell is cracking....

....the shell of my self-imposed isolation, that is.

i've been going to a "women's group" for the past month and a half. the facilitator uses psychodrama to help us act out memories or current situations where we are feeling "stuck."

i've learned a lot from the work done by the other members, AND, i am not jumping at the chance to join in! although i realize it's a great opportunity to help myself, in a Safe Place, it's not in my nature to bleed on the floor in front of an audience. much better/more "natural" for me to shut myself in the bedroom and block out the world while i tend to my wounds.

i think this is one of those coping mechanisms that got handed down from my parental units. they were very much about Keeping Up the Public Face. all the rage and tears occurred behind closed doors, which is how i've continued to cope with my pain for the most part. except that method hasn't really helped me get any objectivity on the situation.

it's like putting a band-aid on an abscess. it soaks up the goo oozing out, but doesn't address the underlying infection (now, that is a totally gross analogy--too bad it's such an apt one!).

at any rate, during the last meeting i did spend a little time in the center of the circle, so to speak, and what came out of my mouth was, "You're wrong to love me because i am F**KED UP, and if you disagree then i will just be more determined to prove that you are WRONG and i am RIGHT."

i have suspected/known for some time that i punish people who (try to) love me. the last relationship really brought it into sharp relief. poor Chris--not that he is blameless for how jagged the end felt to us both, but i am here acknowledging my contributions to our dysfunctional demise.

i suppose i don't have anything to lose--and potentially a lot to gain--by allowing myself to be friendlier, more open, more accessible, less bulletproof, less of a perfectionist.

what a concept....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and now, a guest appearance by my favorite Congressional Gold Metal recipient!

i watched the ceremony on a live webcam and it brought me to tears (or at least mist) a couple of times. i was actually able to watch GWB without turning the screen off--but he didn't open his mouth, which of course helped immeasurably.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and speaking of tears, i watched a movie last night that had me actually crying with joy! it's an old movie--most of the ones i watch are older since i don't really care about seeing movies that much--about a horse called Dreamer.

it was sappy and predictable and heart-warming and formulaic, but watching those horses run the final race was absolutely exhilarating! so, if you like or love horses, and don't mind watching Kurt Russell and Kris Kristofferson, please get ahold of it!