the shell is cracking....

....the shell of my self-imposed isolation, that is.

i've been going to a "women's group" for the past month and a half. the facilitator uses psychodrama to help us act out memories or current situations where we are feeling "stuck."

i've learned a lot from the work done by the other members, AND, i am not jumping at the chance to join in! although i realize it's a great opportunity to help myself, in a Safe Place, it's not in my nature to bleed on the floor in front of an audience. much better/more "natural" for me to shut myself in the bedroom and block out the world while i tend to my wounds.

i think this is one of those coping mechanisms that got handed down from my parental units. they were very much about Keeping Up the Public Face. all the rage and tears occurred behind closed doors, which is how i've continued to cope with my pain for the most part. except that method hasn't really helped me get any objectivity on the situation.

it's like putting a band-aid on an abscess. it soaks up the goo oozing out, but doesn't address the underlying infection (now, that is a totally gross analogy--too bad it's such an apt one!).

at any rate, during the last meeting i did spend a little time in the center of the circle, so to speak, and what came out of my mouth was, "You're wrong to love me because i am F**KED UP, and if you disagree then i will just be more determined to prove that you are WRONG and i am RIGHT."

i have suspected/known for some time that i punish people who (try to) love me. the last relationship really brought it into sharp relief. poor Chris--not that he is blameless for how jagged the end felt to us both, but i am here acknowledging my contributions to our dysfunctional demise.

i suppose i don't have anything to lose--and potentially a lot to gain--by allowing myself to be friendlier, more open, more accessible, less bulletproof, less of a perfectionist.

what a concept....

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and now, a guest appearance by my favorite Congressional Gold Metal recipient!

i watched the ceremony on a live webcam and it brought me to tears (or at least mist) a couple of times. i was actually able to watch GWB without turning the screen off--but he didn't open his mouth, which of course helped immeasurably.

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and speaking of tears, i watched a movie last night that had me actually crying with joy! it's an old movie--most of the ones i watch are older since i don't really care about seeing movies that much--about a horse called Dreamer.

it was sappy and predictable and heart-warming and formulaic, but watching those horses run the final race was absolutely exhilarating! so, if you like or love horses, and don't mind watching Kurt Russell and Kris Kristofferson, please get ahold of it!