Thursday, November 01, 2007

the shell is cracking....

....the shell of my self-imposed isolation, that is.

i've been going to a "women's group" for the past month and a half. the facilitator uses psychodrama to help us act out memories or current situations where we are feeling "stuck."

i've learned a lot from the work done by the other members, AND, i am not jumping at the chance to join in! although i realize it's a great opportunity to help myself, in a Safe Place, it's not in my nature to bleed on the floor in front of an audience. much better/more "natural" for me to shut myself in the bedroom and block out the world while i tend to my wounds.

i think this is one of those coping mechanisms that got handed down from my parental units. they were very much about Keeping Up the Public Face. all the rage and tears occurred behind closed doors, which is how i've continued to cope with my pain for the most part. except that method hasn't really helped me get any objectivity on the situation.

it's like putting a band-aid on an abscess. it soaks up the goo oozing out, but doesn't address the underlying infection (now, that is a totally gross analogy--too bad it's such an apt one!).

at any rate, during the last meeting i did spend a little time in the center of the circle, so to speak, and what came out of my mouth was, "You're wrong to love me because i am F**KED UP, and if you disagree then i will just be more determined to prove that you are WRONG and i am RIGHT."

i have suspected/known for some time that i punish people who (try to) love me. the last relationship really brought it into sharp relief. poor Chris--not that he is blameless for how jagged the end felt to us both, but i am here acknowledging my contributions to our dysfunctional demise.

i suppose i don't have anything to lose--and potentially a lot to gain--by allowing myself to be friendlier, more open, more accessible, less bulletproof, less of a perfectionist.

what a concept....


and now, a guest appearance by my favorite Congressional Gold Metal recipient!

i watched the ceremony on a live webcam and it brought me to tears (or at least mist) a couple of times. i was actually able to watch GWB without turning the screen off--but he didn't open his mouth, which of course helped immeasurably.


and speaking of tears, i watched a movie last night that had me actually crying with joy! it's an old movie--most of the ones i watch are older since i don't really care about seeing movies that much--about a horse called Dreamer.

it was sappy and predictable and heart-warming and formulaic, but watching those horses run the final race was absolutely exhilarating! so, if you like or love horses, and don't mind watching Kurt Russell and Kris Kristofferson, please get ahold of it!


At 11/2/07, 8:07 AM, Blogger annie said...

much love to you, taz
(whether you like it or not!)

At 11/2/07, 11:43 AM, Blogger alan said...

When we get to this point in life I think we all have to be more than a bit fucked up by it...and I think we all have a hard time realizing it. Yes, we may know that we have some issues, but there are others I've found that I never dreamed of...

May you find some peace despite all of it!

Thinking of you...


At 11/11/07, 6:36 AM, Blogger kath said...

I have been wanting to email.. but i have been so busy, trying to get ready for christmas.. get the house prreperd for company for thanksgiving.. and lately spending money that I do not yet have...
Work kicks my butt every day...


you have been in my thoughts and I wanted to send a hug..

take care....

At 11/17/07, 7:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Youknow, that sounds like a good idea, the women's group. One thing I really miss here is the cleansing- the sweats, the time away to get my head straight - as I am a closet bleeder as well. Hope these days get brighter for you - Stace

At 11/26/07, 7:46 PM, Blogger Badpatty said...

More embarassing than the women's group would be not following a path that might lead to peace. I think you're a smart cookie for giving it a chance.

I think I would like to play frisbee golf with the Dalai Lama at some point. I think he would get it. I also think that he should have hung out with John Paul II - they would have gotten along.

Never seen Dreamer. When I need a cheesy movie that's moving, I watch Three Wishes. Don't tell anybody.


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