Thursday, September 29, 2005

Honestly looking inward

....bravely going where no man has gone before....


At least I'm able to trace many of my dysfunctional trails back to the childhood scenario. Understanding the source helps mitigate the results....i hope....

Churlishness and irritability run in my family, so i come by them both honestly. Even though i hated those aspects of my father i of course have recreated myself in his image.

The depressive tendencies come from Mom. She gave up years before her death. Just gave up.

Both gone now, i am an orphan (hahaha, a 48-year-old orphan) left with the task of outgrowing the legacies left by each one of them, believing that i can rise above my origins--keep the good stuff, pitch the rest. At least in theory.

My decision to be alone had much to do with my inability to 'be with'. Now here i am, 'with' again, tripping over the stumbling blocks buried in my psyche, stubbing my toes, cursing away.

Being honest is the only way i know how to unearth those stumbling blocks, and thankfully my love hasn't run screaming in the opposite direction yet!

Thank you for these humble beginnings of hope, of love, of growth and maturation.

Yes we are worth it, yes i am worth it, yes you are worth it too.



(PLUS, i have to add that i just read that John Roberts is to be confirmed as the new Chief Justice. Right on the heels of that news i also read that the Pombo amendment passed, meaning that drilling for oil in the Arctic Refuge has been approved.
(This all makes me feel just about sick to my stomach. What on earth are we doing? How can so many people be so wrongheaded about the future of this planet and all the life forms on it? Why haven't we put our finest scientific minds to the task of developing alternatives to petroleum? Why don't i ride my bike more? And how can i possibly achieve compassion for the myriad suffering beings in this world, when i can't even make sense of my own tiny pile of shit? [Because i know it is tiny in the grand scheme of things]....etc., etc., etc....)

7 Comments:

At 9/29/05, 12:19 PM, Blogger annie said...

hi taza~
i do so relate to a lot of what you are saying here
maybe it's a "48" thing.
and my mom pretty much gave up too, before she died so young.
i fight the urge to give up-most especially these days. such an awful time on the planet. sometimes it's just negativity overload.
but then...
i see or talk to my children,
or walk on the beach,or look up at the redwoods,
or remember that my man loves me.
and i can stand it all another day.
i live for the day when life lightens up again, for all of us caring, sensitive souls. i only hope i can make it another 3 years.
maybe grace will happen, and he will be thrown out of office. sigh...
take good care of YOU.

 
At 9/29/05, 12:31 PM, Blogger nancy =) said...

{{{{{taaazzzaaaa}}}}}

annie and taza me thinks you are my long lost soul sisters...

my mom also gave up a long time ago...she's still alive but so sedated you might not think so...but she is a kind and gentle and loving soul...the polar opposite of my dad...

and taza i too am outraged over the artic drilling...and thought that if it ever did come down to this i would race up there and chain myself to a bull dozer...why is NOTHING sacred to these bastards?!?!?!

annie thanks, yet again, for your soothing words...

peace...

 
At 9/30/05, 3:16 AM, Blogger shabbychica said...

Taza,
I pulse with your inner workings.

Is there some way you could enable posts from those of us who do not have blogger accounts? some of us run MT, Typepad & WordPress.

What a stirring post. . .veronica

 
At 9/30/05, 8:27 AM, Blogger taza said...

Thank you my soul sisters! How much we are kin. How precious.

Annie~that was a beautiful comment. I know there are bright spots in every day, in every moment even (HH Dalai Lama was just here, remember). Just need to keep my eyes open to them....

Nancy~thanks for the hugs! I hope your friend is doing better. Now there's a situation for you....if i just think of Dawn i am amazed at how blessed i feel, just to draw breath. Life itself is so precious, what am i complaining about?....

Veronica~I am so sorry....i don't have a clue how to do what you've asked. I'm basically "4 wheels, no brakes" on this thing. I'm lucky to be able to blog....so can't configure crap! I'll check into it though, maybe Blogger has a help topic for that.
Thanks for your comment!

 
At 9/30/05, 12:04 PM, Blogger Cootera said...

We need our daily affirmations of self. I don't want to generate energy based on how I was raised, and it's good to sit down, trace, understand, let go. Then we can let in... Hugs to ya, sis.

 
At 9/30/05, 1:31 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Moving post Taza, you deserve happiness, don't forget to love yourself :)

 
At 10/1/05, 8:41 AM, Blogger taza said...

Ahh, 2 more soul sis's checking in. Thanks Cootera and thanks Michelle! It's a better day today. Thank goodness for sine waves! (Biorhythms follow a sine wave pattern, did you know that?)
:)

 

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