Honestly looking inward

....bravely going where no man has gone before....


At least I'm able to trace many of my dysfunctional trails back to the childhood scenario. Understanding the source helps mitigate the results....i hope....

Churlishness and irritability run in my family, so i come by them both honestly. Even though i hated those aspects of my father i of course have recreated myself in his image.

The depressive tendencies come from Mom. She gave up years before her death. Just gave up.

Both gone now, i am an orphan (hahaha, a 48-year-old orphan) left with the task of outgrowing the legacies left by each one of them, believing that i can rise above my origins--keep the good stuff, pitch the rest. At least in theory.

My decision to be alone had much to do with my inability to 'be with'. Now here i am, 'with' again, tripping over the stumbling blocks buried in my psyche, stubbing my toes, cursing away.

Being honest is the only way i know how to unearth those stumbling blocks, and thankfully my love hasn't run screaming in the opposite direction yet!

Thank you for these humble beginnings of hope, of love, of growth and maturation.

Yes we are worth it, yes i am worth it, yes you are worth it too.



(PLUS, i have to add that i just read that John Roberts is to be confirmed as the new Chief Justice. Right on the heels of that news i also read that the Pombo amendment passed, meaning that drilling for oil in the Arctic Refuge has been approved.
(This all makes me feel just about sick to my stomach. What on earth are we doing? How can so many people be so wrongheaded about the future of this planet and all the life forms on it? Why haven't we put our finest scientific minds to the task of developing alternatives to petroleum? Why don't i ride my bike more? And how can i possibly achieve compassion for the myriad suffering beings in this world, when i can't even make sense of my own tiny pile of shit? [Because i know it is tiny in the grand scheme of things]....etc., etc., etc....)