Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Still here....

I've been lost since Sunday night--caring for the puppy has been eating me up emotionally. I finally gave him to the vet for inpatient care yesterday around noon and came home to repair myself and my home. I haven't been doing a great job of managing everything, so the house needed cleaning and meals needed cooking and I needed some down time! After cleaning and cooking and relaxing with a couple of beers, I put on Peter Gabriel's Secret World Live cd (Don't Give Up/In Your Eyes) and danced and sang and offered his soul up to the universe if indeed it was time for him to leave. Lots of tears and heartfelt prayers, plus some special bonding time with the old dog Sun Bear, who's been mostly ignored during the last few days.

I'm (almost) glad my parents are both gone as I'm a lousy nurse when it's close to home. My sensitivities are mightily developed, and I suppose it's one of the reasons I'm a good MT. Eventually I stopped trying to grow a thicker hide, and began to appreciate my tender self; but one of the by-products of this level of squishiness (as Magz would say) is that my boundaries are easily swamped. So I've been leaky as hell all day at work--another neglected sphere of activity--since I didn't know if Angus had survived the night, and wouldn't take the chance of calling to find out until I was safe in my car and headed home!

Thankfully he's still with us. I'm feeling much more optimistic at this point.

I lost my mother at age 11 while on a family trip to Florida over spring break. She had a seizure in the night and the ambulance came to get her....end of story. She was DOA with a massive stroke at age 50. I'm not pushing for sympathy here, just trying to explain that my quick trip to the worst-case scenario has some basis in personal history. I try like hell to be more upbeat, but in the back of my mind is always lurking the suspicion of the ending no one wants to consider--at first I thought it was due to watching too many TV shows!

Let us never forget that life itself can teach us deep lessons early, early on.


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