Monday, October 08, 2012


i have been house sitting at a client's place for the past 2 weekends. it's a large house on the east side, with a beautiful yard, fountain, 2 nice dogs, and a gigantic saltwater aquarium.  my house could fit in here twice with room left over.  ha.

i am happy to be here and take a break from the ongoing sorting project at home.  this afternoon i went home after my one appointment and emptied a bookcase in J.'s room; that takes care of everything but the closet.  he does not have a bunch of hanging clothes so it's ok to leave it for a bit more.

complete and total silence from the other J. person for over a week.  i will not call, i will not call, i will not call!  it is soooo depressing to feel like a failure at love once again, but that's only in the bad moments, and not all the moments are bad.  sometimes i can even convince myself that no one is to blame, that circumstances changed, that the depth of his commitment to his daughter is (while excessive in my eyes) a given that i am powerless to influence.

during our year of cohabitation, she was not speaking to him; but as soon as she resurfaced, in need as usual, his feelings toward me shifted.  he just needed a place to stay until she came back into his life.  it's actually pretty fucked up, IMHO, but he does not have any use for MHO, as it contradicts his reality.

in essence our path together is over.  his daughter has made it completely clear that she never wants to see me again.  (obviously, as i seemed to threaten her ultimate source of money, comfort, support, babysitting, etc.)  and she gives meaning and function to his life.  forever the focus of his energy and attention.

buncha frickin' nut cases.  afgo.


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