Sunday, August 07, 2005

Possibilities....

Oh, I'm floating so wonderfully today. Like a helium balloon that has lost just the right amount of gas, I'm bobbing at a steady level--not soaring out of sight into the heavens, nor bumping along disconsolately on the ground--just lightly hovering at the perfect height. Effortless buoyancy.

A week or so ago at the sweat, I overheard someone ask a woman about some part of her life. They wanted to know how something was going. Her reply made me pay attention because she said, "Oh, I can't really talk about it yet, it's still not completely formed. Talking about it now would be premature." (I'm paraphrasing of course.)

That's how I feel about what has been happening in my life. It's still inchoate, still gathering power, still assuming a shape. Amorphous but slowly becoming more substanstial and defined. But defining a thing, limits a thing....remember the exercise in Buddhism class? Where I explored a common object with one finger, while my eyes were closed? The teacher said, try to do it so slowly that you can observe your mind gathering the data, until the breakover point when it Knows what the object Is. And--notice the mind's discomfort at Not Knowing!

What the mind does is Define Things. The mind's ingrained habit to clamp down on an object and Define It categorizes that object, and then it can no longer be anything else.

I'm not interested in putting the mantle of captivity or limitation on this feeling. I want it to continue to float effortlessly, moving gently to meet me in the morning, tucking me in sweetly at night. Staying by my side throughout my day. It's a sweetness, a levitation; I'm rising in love, floating in joy, not trying to manipulate or control or push or pull. I can feel myself wanting to direct it, and then catch myself....I let go and once again flow with the magic.

Non-attachment = Freedom....but is it possible to Love without Attachment? Without coercion, without manipulation? Have I learned enough to try again?

I'm happy for my feelings, and for the thoughts they bring to me.

And I'm happy for allowing this the freedom it needs to become what it will.

3 Comments:

At 8/8/05, 3:18 AM, Blogger Cliff Morrow said...

This is like watching a slow developing thunderstorm to see how much rain we'll get.

 
At 8/8/05, 8:57 AM, Blogger taza said...

Hoping for a soaking rain, Cliff, but not predicting yet!
:)
I like that you are following this unfolding story with some curiosity.

 
At 8/9/05, 8:45 AM, Blogger magz said...

for i am only an egg, awaiting cusp in the fullness of time.
valentine michael smith, on grokking.

i grokked this post

 

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