the barriers within

oh my, tired i.

a long week of work--subbing for someone tuesday night in addition to my regular schedule--left me feeling a little drained this afternoon. i can't imagine FULL-TIME work.

this new year finds me making $300 LESS a month due to losing 3 private clients. this is not really an issue right now since chris is here and able to help with bills, but it's time for me to get proactive about attracting new clients to bolster my sagging economy!

having such a sweet helpmate has pointed out 2 things to me:

1) it's amazing how much i do on my own
2) it's equally amazing how resistant i am to accepting help

when chris was sick and i had just gotten better (but was still not quite back to normal), i got so irritable over the stupidest things. things that ordinarily wouldn't bother me were suddenly HUGE pains in the hiney, and poor chris was the one doing most of them (of course). i even said, jeez, this is really incredible how annoyed i am getting over nothing.

i now think it was just my own resistance, trying to keep chris out. now why would i do such a thing?

ahh, my mistaken belief in my intrinsic unloveableness, i think.

barriers to love usually sprout within, and then grow wings to fly out and get projected onto those who are trying to love us. weird shit, man.

we are doing so well now, i am thankful for every lesson i learn at the side of this most wonderful teacher of mine.