Sunday, November 09, 2014

25th Annual All Souls Procession, Tucson, AZ

....and i'm not going....our family suffered a loss recently and it's too soon to march for that departed soul.

my DIL was pregnant, halfway along, and then discovered that the baby's heart wasn't developing properly....not *just* hypoplastic left heart syndrome, but also mitral stenosis AND aortic atresia.

translated, that means that there was not even a surgical possibility at birth, unless it was a whole-heart transplant, which would have meant relocating to the one hospital in the country that does it, for about 2 months before, and 8-10 months after, the birth.  and the possibility of complications, future surgeries, etc. made that "option" way out of the question.

so my dears decided to terminate the pregnancy.  my DIL is was a right-to-lifer, until now.  they went to Phoenix for the procedure, and even though this particular Dr's practice is over 80% "medical necessity" late-term abortions, there were picketers, with signs saying "Adoption Is Always An Option."  my DIL said she wanted to go over and confront them with her reality, that this was a wanted baby who would survive only 24-72 hours after being born.

of course the deepest lessons are for my DIL--and my son, who actually thought through what it would be like to see the baby carried to term.

as his 'specific' mother, i understand his willingness to bear the unbearable for the character-deepening experience of it all, but as a woman and as a 'universal' mother, i could not even think of this as a possibility.

so their choice, made more difficult due to the timing of it all (had she found out another week later, they would have had to go to Nevada to get the abortion), was made to reduce the suffering of all beings concerned.  there has been, nevertheless, considerable suffering to go around.

i found myself so distracted at work that it was difficult to focus.  that is so very unusual for me; work is my haven, my place to come to center and balance myself.

i sought help from a young Reiki master i've been trading with and it was helpful, but the passage of time, and the discussions that have ensued throughout, are showing me that our family glue is pretty tenuous stuff.


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