challenges

i have gained back about 35 pounds since my "college weight" high of 3 years ago. it's challenging to offer myself the unconditional love and acceptance that i try to extend to my friends, family and clients! so i just observe my distress, my self-judgment; exhale into it, watch it squirm. this is especially noticeable at the weekly sweat. my friends still love me even though i am acutely aware of being extra chunky right now. it is a little excruciating but quite instructive.

sitting with and observing this discomfort is something i have learned from Pema Chodron, bless her holy little heart! BIG heart!

this month i am preparing for a good old fashioned spring cleaning. the first week, i gave up meat. this week i'm eliminating dairy products (milk in my coffee may make it past the deadline). the third week, goodbye grains. by the last week i should be eating mostly fruits and vegetables. March 1 i will start a week long cleanse!

part of me is looking forward to eating lighter. my sweetie and i indulge ourselves far too often in the food department! part of the reason i'm doing it this way is to give said sweetie plenty of notice that i am serious about changing my eating habits at least in the short run. and then we will be coming into Spring which is usually about the time i stop turning on the oven.

on the other hand, with all the crap going down in the world right now, i can also see that being upset about my arse represents a type of alignment with a completely ridiculous value system! sorting out How I Feel vs. How I Look is complicated. wanting to be thinner is not just about fitting into a size 10, it's also about moving more fluidly, having more energy, feeling sexier and more flexible. plus it makes my knees so much happier to support less weight!

so this is one more piece to add to the pile. upset about my weight, upset about being upset, you see how much fun we can have with this. all quietly observed, all quietly accepted, all quietly loved Just As It Is In This Moment.